Another year passes

Well I was reading some of my back entries from a year ago, I was so glad to see 2009 gone with all the crap that happened. But now I am looking back at 2010 thinking the same thing. It almost was crazier for me in 2010. Somewhere along the line there, I had lost the spark from my treatment that I had gone to last fall. I once again had fallen down that pit of depression and again found myself not taking care of myself or my shit. Getting in that relationship was not the healthiest thing for me to do. My focus got way off. I tend to loose myself in relationships. I get too focused on it and forget about the rest of life. But I think this last one changed me. I don't feel like I'll ever loose myself like that again. In fact I think I am gonna be a lot tougher and it's making me put up a wall, a safety net for my feelings. I am so sick of breakups. I hate falling to pieces emotionally, it always takes me a while to get back together. I don't even know why I am even thinking about it, well probably from reflecting back on the year. I started this blog a year ago to document my year in recovery. I guess I saw myself as being in a different place then I am now. It's really frustrating. I haven't been that inspired lately for writing in my blog. I am not on the verge of relapsing or anything like that. I just have that feeling of being stuck. I know I am not, I just don't understand why I am not moving forward. I guess it gets daunting thinking about all the hoops I gotta jump through to get to where I want to be. I'm an addict you know and I always want that instant satisfaction. But to get to where I want to be its kind of a rough ride still. I do get these spurts every now and then but I get irritated because there always seems to be a road block of some kind in the way. I mean I've at least figured out what's wrong with me but haven't been able to get treatment yet because of the crappy insurance I am on. I forget to be grateful for the insurance that I do have I mean I've gone forever with out it, but it's all the bull shit red tape and bueachracy that you have to go through. If this is a sample of what public health care is gonna be about then I don't know if it will be worth the headache. How can Sweden and all these other European countries get it down, but us Americans can't? The only thing I can think of is Greed. America does have some pretty Greedy bastards in charge. That just gets so frustrating. It's more about $ then about the people. I really hate money. I mean its great to have but it truly is the root of all evil. Sorry kind of went off on a tangent there. All I can say is recovery really is tough. I just keep hoping its gonna be worth it. At least I do have my musical outlet, getting songs together is tough, but it's what I love to do. Hopefully this band can get somewhere. I don't care to be a rock star but it would be great to make a living at it. Speaking of that I got to get a job soon. I just really hope the whole felony thing doesn't hinder me. I've been applying around so I hope I hear back on something. So I am gonna do the typical New Years resolutions, just hope to stick with em more then a month. Anyways I am gonna go do my work out. If I don't post before new years I wish you all a happy one and may all your dreams come true.

Josh

search for spirituality

One of my biggest struggles in my sobriety is finding my spirituality. I grew up in a very religious household so you would think that it wouldn't be that hard for me. But since my mother was way over zealous with Christianity it really has turned me off from it. I mean to the degree she had taken it, it consumed her whole life. The churches I grew up going to it seemed like you had to dedicate your whole life to the faith. I feel like my mom missed out on so much of life, my childhood was a blur for me and I think since my mom was so enthralled with the "faith" that she missed out on a lot of my childhood. It was always follow this or your going to hell. Anything that didn't have anything to deal with the church I was not allowed to do. I couldn't hang out with anyone that didn't go to our church. That was such a drag for me. Not only was I in this new town (Amery) which was way smaller then Minneapolis, which meant it had way less people. It just made me even more socially awkward because I wasn't allowed to hang out with a lot of the friends I had made at school. T.V., music, people, and well anything not related to the church was evil according to my mom's "faith". Sounds almost like a cult huh? Fuck that sucked growing up with all that. I had to go to church at least 3 times a week. Twice on Sunday and on Wednesday nights. Plus if there was some traveling preacher in town we would have to go to those as well. As soon as I got old enough to think on my own, I just felt like this was so fake. I dunno I could never grasp it. It just seemed strange to me to have God put us on this earth and almost everything was forbidden and the whole focus on life was to only do things God would approve of. It just seemed like what was the point of being here if all you want was to go to heaven? I can remember when I was really young, like around 5 or so, there was a tornado heading towards our house and my mom made us all go to the basement but she was staying upstairs so God could take her to heaven. That's just one example, there were many times she would do stuff like that. It was so twisted I was telling my mom to come to the basement because the house was shaking, I thought the tornado was gonna suck the house up with my mom. I remember crying thinking she was gonna die and leave me alone and that's what she actually wanted. How could I ever embrace this religion? I am not saying God doesn't exist or Christianity is wrong, I have no idea. Everyone from different religions are so devoted and are very faithful in the fact that their way is the way to heaven. I just don't want to not enjoy life while I just wait for the after life. It doesn't seem like a thing that God would want. I mean is it Allah, Muhammad, Buddha, or who? I've started reading up on some eastern philosophy and it has peaked my interest. The reason I am struggling with this is they say in order to obtain complete sobriety that you need to have a good spiritual base. I've always kind of embraced the idea of a power greater then myself. I can look around at the world in amazement and think how couldn't there be? The sky, tree's coming back in spring, the ocean, the wind, miracles that happen everyday. I just don't know how this ties myself into the scheme of things. I don't even know if there is an after life or if we are reincarnated. No one does. I just haven't gotten passionate with any faith. Some people get so crazy zealous, religion has started wars for Pete's sake. I want a spiritual connection. I want to be better grounded with humanity and all the world has to offer. When I play music I can feel something spiritual happening sometimes, I get that spine tingling feeling, you know the goose bumps. Certain things trigger it so I know something exists out there. Just how to I become more in tune with it? I don't even really know what I seek out? I guess that's why they call it faith but what faith is it? I guess I don't really have to define it because I believe we all can have God in our own way. I do pray sometimes but I don't know if it's more beneficial to talk to a chair. Sometimes it is peaceful to pray about something because you can get it off your chest, but is there anyone/thing listening? I tend to think more logically sometimes and almost need proof to believe in anything. But spirituality is way beyond that. It requires a much stronger belief in the unknown. I just haven't quite got it down yet. I like the ideal of it, that it cleanses your soul and forgives your sins, which I regrettably have a few of those. It would be nice to clear my conscience. That's another part in where I struggle. Forgiving myself....I'll save that for another day...

Josh

Furthering the conquest

The only reason my postings have become sporadic lately is most of the time I log in and stare at the blank screen wondering what I should write. So instead of just boring you with my daily hum-drum I wait until I can write something of a little substance. I've found myself still stuck in a little funk. I feel I am up against the wall in a sense or I've hit a plateau. I'm waiting for that light to come on, something to happen to show me what to do next. I need to get moving on with things and this is where I always get stuck. I always get to this point where I am doing good with my sobriety and my depression and anxiety are under control, then I hit that stand still. It's hard to get myself motivated. Is it because I spent a lot of my motivation on being sober? Is it the ADHD? Is it my way of thinking that's been trained into me over the last 15 years or so? I can't quite figure it out. I know this is where I've got frustrated and relapsed before so I am being careful not to get too down especially around the holidays which usually get me down anyways. So at least I see some progress there. I went to the doctor yesterday to begin my ADHD treatment but she said I would have to see their psychiatrist for an analysis and they don't have an opening until April! She actually told me to put school off! I was like WTF? I've been putting it off too long. She said your 31 so you've lasted this long it doesn't seem like an emergency. I don't understand them. I mean a part of me thought that maybe she thought I was a drug seeker. ( A lot of people go around to different doctors to obtain pharmaceuticals to get high, by faking ailments.) She asked me why all of a sudden this was an issue for me. I explained that I just got the diagnoses and was thinking about it all and it made a lot of sense. Plus I haven't had health insurance for most of my adult life so I've never pursued the things that held me back. I talked to a therapist a long time ago about it but she was like it's just an anxiety problem (that was money well spent.) So that's what I've always thought . So there's not much I can do right now. Unfortunately that's the only place I can go with my insurance. I'm planning on switching to a better insurance as soon as they allow me which should be next month. I'll get it all figured out soon here. I just want to get the ADHD under control before I go back to school. Because I know that's what got me frustrated before when I had to quit after college after a year. It was mid semester and I started failing. I couldn't pay attention to lecture's, read the course material, or retain anything to help with the classes. I didn't understand it. My professors began to ask me what was wrong. I breezed through my first year with ease. I got all A's. I think this is why I went undiagnosed for most of my life. My mom always thought it was weird that I could get A's really easy. I sometimes can get them with out trying. (not to toot my own horn.) It's usually the courses that I already know or have a good understanding of. When it comes to the rest of them, I have the hardest time studying, listening to lectures, test, and well everything to do with it. No matter how hard I would try I couldn't retain anything from the class. When I would read a book, I would realize that I read through a few pages and I didn't know what I read. This became so bad that I didn't read books anymore. I think I went 10 years without reading a single book. Which was strange for me since I used to read book after book. I have changed that. Thanks to being in jail. In there you have nothing better to do. I struggled with the same issues but I can get through a book now. It's difficult for me, but as long as I can tune out everything around me I can actually get through it. I guess I've trained my brain a little bit. I do sometimes have to re-read pages though. I need absolute silence to read. I guess thinking about it as a kid I used to have to run a fan to tune out any noise while I read. Anyways that's a part of my struggle. I know I am making progress with everything, in fact I've gotten farther then I ever have, so I guess that's nothing to baulk at. It's that positive thinking that I forget about. I can't always gauge success the way society does, by dollars and cents. Through the drug problem I've been given the opportunity that not a lot of people get, I get to thoroughly get to know myself inside and out. And that's invaluable....

Josh

Still here

I guess it's been a few days since my last post. I was kind of stuck in a little funk, which tends to make me withdraw a bit. I get tired of this treatment stuff sometimes, I'm not gonna lie. I mean it's been over 2 years now that I've been dealing with sobriety. If it weren't for my stubborn ass, I could be well on my way to a some what "normal" life. I guess I just can get kind of sick of always sharing how I feel. I've done it for so long, so sometimes I just kind of get myself in shutdown mode and I just block myself off so I don't really feel anything. And if I take a few days off people start to worry about me. Thank you first of all. It does feel good to have people really care, I haven't had that for most of my life. Plus lately I'm having trouble motivating myself. I need to start treatment of my ADHD. I was watching a documentary about it the other night and it really put it into perspective for me. I guess a lot of people go undiagnosed and it can really put a hinder on your life. I am so glad I know now, I just got to get back to the Dr. and get the medication for it. I kind of always wondered what was wrong with me. All the things I thought I had trouble with are symptoms of ADHD. Trouble with relationships, lack of motivation, trouble concentrating, not finishing tasks, and many more. I never would have thought that I had it unless I made that Dr. appt. I would never have thought that some of those were symptoms. I looked at all the symptoms and I have trouble with all of them. It basically described me to a tea, creepy. Hopefully now that I've been diagnosed and begin treatment, I can finally deal with some of these issues. I am still not very sure if it started when I was younger or as I got older. I've been dealing with the knee pain again lately too. It feels like my body is much older then I am sometimes. If it's not one thing its another, right? That's life though always keeping you on your toes. Just when you think you have things figured out, boom there's a curve ball flying straight at you. That's why it's very important to take a daily inventory of your self (something that I have forgotten to do lately...but don't blame me it's the ADD...Ha I should make a T shirt of that one.) So thats what I've been up too. Finally got a good blizzard going on outside. We haven't had snow like that in a long time. It's exciting a little to see all that snow. It reminds me of when I was a kid and I would build snow forts out of the big mounds the plows would leave behind. Sometimes I miss being young and naive with my whole life in front of me. It seemed like when I was young I couldn't wait to get older and now that I am older I wish I was young again. If only I could be young again but know what I know now....I'll leave with that wishful thinking.

Josh

Mind set

I guess today I am struggling a bit. The thought of me not making it keeps coming in my head. It's a battle and it's me vs. me. It's kind of strange having oneself be an enemy of thine self. It's not like I'm on the verge of using or anything, I guess its part of the fear I experience. I am very afraid of failure. Relapsing in itself is bad, but then you have to deal with all the feelings that come with it. Every time I have relapsed it's that much harder to get out of it. I start feeling ashamed and hypocritical. It's funny that way, I'm not really all that concerned with my own well being when I am out using. I am more worried about letting everyone down again. It sucks being in that position. It's so easy to lose people's trust and faith in you, but so much harder to get it back. I was going through that the last time I went to treatment, I was winning back every one's trust and they had a lot of faith in me to make it. But now since my last relapse its been different. I feel that some people are expecting me to fail. (I know fuck them, right?). The odds are stacked up against me, I think it's 8% of I.V. drug users end up recovering. I know I can be part of that 8%, its just these kind of days were I start doubting myself. It's definitely one hell of a roller coaster ride. I have been learning a lot about myself and been figuring out what I need to change. I'm sure it gets easier the more sober time I get under my belt. I think it's just retraining my brain on how to react to everything and I am not used to dealing with emotions. I know once I get a job and get back on my feet things will be better. I do have to figure out what my relapse triggers are. I know some of them but the problem with the other ones is they are underlying and I usually don't figure it out until after it happens. Don't be too worried about me I am just talking about this because I need to be honest about how I feel. Honesty is one thing that I really need to work on. I've been so good at lying the last few years I could just about convince myself that what ever I was lying about was true. I do need to find another sponsor since the one I had disappeared after I left the Salvation Army. I still can't believe that place and some of their rules. I dunno enough said about that. My knees are starting to really bother me and I will have to go in and see if I need surgery. Part of it is I am afraid cause I know they will prescribe me pain killers when I do get it done and I don't really want to be sucked down that hole again. My doctor said that he would monitor me during that time so I shouldn't have much to worry about. Anyways, I hope that none of you decide to take drugs to the level that I did. It's not worth it.

Josh

The road ahead

Well it's finally time for me to start finding a job. I am pretty sure I can trust myself with money finally. The important thing is to remember how much it sucked spending my whole paycheck on drugs. Definitely something I do not want to return to doing. I used to go pick up my paycheck cash it, and then find my dealer where I would spend the whole thing right then and there. I wouldn't care about my bills, gas (necessities), or rent. I mean I smoke and I would skip buying myself cigarettes. Then I would have to fly by blind luck on how I was gonna make it through the week. I've done that so many times. It's just another consequence to caving in to my addiction. I've spent the last two years of my life living that way. It's amazing that I made it as far as I did. Sometimes I would pawn my stuff then on pay day go get my stuff back from the pawn shop. Just to pawn it again the next day. Then eventually I would skip going to the pawn shop and I've lost a lot of cool stuff. All part of that insanity. I would have to do it just get through the week. Once you get yourself caught in so deep you need the drugs its hard to get out. But its finally time to get back to working cause there are so many things I need to get myself plus, a few monetary amends I have to do. It'll be a while before I can catch up but I'll get through it. So if anyone knows of anyone hiring please let me know. I'll need to change up my schedule of staying up late at night but that won't be to tough. For some reason I'm having a hard time of getting myself to sleep lately. Usually it wouldn't bother me much but now that it's winter, if I sleep too late I won't get the few hours of sun that we get. And we all know that can get depressing. I'm still wondering if I should talk to my mother about my previous posts. I just don't know if I'll gain anything from it or not. It's definitely something that I want to get out of my way and move on. Well I am gonna get back to relaxing. Hope you all had a good week end.

Josh

Maturing

This blog has become pretty therapeutic for me. It was really hard for me to write my last couple of entries. It was a lot of shit that I kept buried deep inside and over the years I kept piling shit on top of it. After writing it I realized how much of it I haven't thought of in years. Now that I've started peeling of layers of things and dealing with them I am getting down to the issues that have been hard wired in my psyche. It was so tucked away in me that my conscience forgot about it but it was still present in my subconsciousness, so it was still affecting me today. I've really started to deeply analyze my thoughts and emotions lately. I started to think why I hated dealing with the uglier emotions (anger, sadness, resentment etc....) It's because I've seen it growing up and could never understand why my mother was so unhappy and depressed. I defiantly believe now that some things aren't all necessarily genetic but also the environment that you grew up in, the time when your mind is at its peak capacity for learning, and where you develop your psychological "wiring". I think its what, between the ages of 2-8 or something around there. That's why I think its important if you are raising kids to nurture them in a calm and stable environment during these years because of how impressionable their young minds are. Their brains are basically an empty mold and they gain their information through their subconscious. Kids take a lot more in then you would think. I mean I can remember being depressed when I was a younger kid. I'm talking about when I was like 8 years old. I also remember having pretty big temper tantrums when my mom would flip out on me and over discipline me. What does an 8 year old kid have to be depressed about? Plus having your mother being angry and disappointed at you a lot, well you can imagine what it did to my self esteem. I am not blaming my mother for this. I know she didn't do it on purpose. She did the best she could with what she had. I've only heard snippets about her childhood and know it wasn't great either. I think she realizes this now, and this is why I am not really bitter at her anymore. Before I understood it, I hated my mom and put a lot of blame on her. When I was a kid I would step on every crack and hope it would break my mothers back. (geese evil wasn't I?) I was so bitter over my childhood for so long. But that was the anger I had developed from early on. That was the environment I was in and didn't know any better. But now that I've taken an in-depth look at it I realize I wasted a lot of time being bitter and resentful. I was only blocking myself from progressing and becoming a better person. That's where I fucked up. It took me this long to figure that out. I've ruined relationships as well as friendships, the whole time blaming everyone else. I now see where I've fucked up and finally realize that I haven't dealt with things the right way. I guess that means I am maturing? I'm finally seeing the light. I never would have thought that my childhood effected me that much. Like I said, I buried it down deep instead of facing it. I'm glad I've talked it out with my mom. She has and still does continue to apologize. I haven't gone in to detail about the things that have effected me and am kind of conflicted if I should. I don't want to make her feel any worse, but I do want to make sure I deal with it completely. I still have my bad days where I get angry and wish I would've had a "normal" family. But if that would have been the case I probably would have other issues to deal with. Gotta stay away from the would've, could've, should've. That's why they say 1 day at a time. And today I was sober (again)

Josh

the story continues again

So anyways my dad ended up staying in the hospital for nearly a year. During this time my mom was extremely miserable and it seemed as if she wanted everyone else to be miserable too. I wasn't allowed outside the house or anything while she was a way at the hospital. I remember one time I was outside shooting hoops in the driveway with my two younger brothers and she came home and was furious. She screamed at me all the way into the house. While I understand she was going through a lot but we all were. This is when I think started my depression. I am in a new town but I'm not allowed to hang out with anyone. I never really felt like I fit in, in Amery. I think it was partially because of my Mom's control. It was so depressing being around that house with everything going on. You don't know how badly I wanted to run a way from there. I started packing my things one day, keep in mind I am 13 I think, my mom was yet again screaming at me for basically being a kid. I was gonna go to one of my older brothers and live there. She threatened to send me to a farm where they would make me work night and day. I felt stuck. Then one day I came home from school and I had to go to the bathroom really badly but the doors were locked and my mom wasn't home. I remember being so pissed by the time she got home, I think I waited an hour or so. My moms friend was there also which I thought was kind of odd, but all I could think about was going to the bathroom. I remember kind of yelling at my mom and she was strangely quite. I heard her friend tell her to give me a minute. I went in the house and went to the bathroom, when I came out they were in the kitchen. Right then I knew what she was gonna tell me. My father had died. I was just in shock. I remember just being numb. I didn't know what to think. It's news that I hope no 13 year old boy would never have to hear. About a year later I had found out that my dad just didn't die, my mom had the plug pulled. The doctor's wanted a family meeting first but some pastor thought it would be better for us to not see it. This bothered me for years. All of us kids resented her for this. I know I would've liked to say good bye and tell him I loved him one more time. I finally got the courage to confront my mom about this a few years ago. She apologized and said she was under a lot of stress. I can understand that but it still was pretty selfish. I am getting mixed emotions right now as I write this. It's hard for me sometimes. I know she is my mom and all. I know she did as good of a job raising me as she could have, but I dunno. I haven't talked about a lot of stuff that happened. I keep it buried down deep. My mother has apologized to me for the way she handled everything. Don't get me wrong I don't hate her, I wasn't molested or anything. There was emotional abuse and she hit me a couple of times that I thought went beyond discipline. Sometimes I wish I could just forget about that whole period of my life. Just thinking about it now opens up some old wounds. She had gotten remarried a year after my fathers death. I clashed heads badly with this guy. He had a big anger problem and my mom only made it worse. He never hit me or anything, but my mom made it seem like it a few times. I remember me and my younger brother threatening him that if he ever hurt my mom......All this made the already tough time of puberty even tougher. I hate high school. But it was mostly because of what happened at home not really high school itself. It made me really introverted and anti-social. Which isn't me at all. I ended up moving out of the house before I graduated. It just got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and I had to leave. My friends mom let me move into their basement so I could graduate from Amery. The crazy thing is I never partied during high school. My mom always thought that I was up to no good, but I was actually a pretty decent kid. I started to party after leaving high school. I soon discovered alcohol made me forget about everything and it numbed me to the point where I could feel somewhat normal. I drank for a few years and slowly started experimenting with drugs. I think I've gone over that before in this blog. I just didn't think I had a problem till I started using oxy's and then eventually heroin. I have talked my my mother a few times about things. I guess there's more that I probably should talk to her about and just bury the hatchet. I know she is sorry and she's changed a lot the last few years. I do have some what of a relationship with her now. I guess I hadn't thought much about all this till now when I was writing it out. There is a bunch of things that I have buried deep inside that I need to deal with still. That whole story that I told you is called your first step. Its where you talk about what led up to your chemical abuse so you know what to deal with. After all that you add in some girlfriends that cheated on me and boom there you have it my first step. Once again I am not blaming anyone for my addictions, nor do I want anyone to feel sorry for me. Where I made my mistakes was not dealing with all this in a healthy way. I just wanted it to go a way. I know I had a fucked up childhood and all but I could have done things a better way. Now that I think about it, it's strange how your subconsciousness works. It's not like I sit around thinking about this stuff (I mean really not at all) but I can see where it affects my behaviors. The character defect I am working on lately is my anger. It's hard to get me angry but once I get there I am there. It's from when I was a kid I would keep it in and hope it would go away and then I would explode one day when it got to be too much. I think it's because I am afraid to be angry. After dealing with my mothers growing up I could see how ugly it would get with her and I can see that some how that's how I learned to do that. I now see how impressionable kids can be. I am so glad I don't have any right now. I wouldn't want to bring them up with that and have to go through what I've gone through. I guess this addiction thing has really woken me up and its made me analyze every flaw I have. It's kind of a blessing in disguise I would maybe never have seen these defects in myself had I not had to because of my treatment. So now its up to me to work on myself and become a better me. Alright I am feeling pretty drained writing all this.

Until tomorrow,

Josh

joy time continued

First off I don't want anyone thinking that I blame my mother or anyone for that matter for my addiction problems. While it may have played a part in it, I made some pretty bad decisions that I had complete control over. Anyways on with the story of my childhood. It was always pretty crazy growing up in the Johnson household. With 9 kids running around there usually was some kind of trouble going on. My older brothers were terrors of the neighborhood. I don't know if I mentioned it before but we grew up in North Minneapolis, in the heart of the ghetto of the twin cities. Police were constantly combing the area around our house looking for some riff raff. Plus the house next door was a half-way house for men coming out of prison. I remember the police coming to our door a few times looking for one of my brothers. One day my brother was shooting a b.b. gun out the window and shot out someones window while they were driving by our house. The cops came to the door and my mom said she knew one of her son's did it. But don't you think a mom would be more protective of her children? She even helped them look for the bb gun. But you see our house was huge with tons of crawl spaces every where. So it was pretty easy to hide. They never ended up finding it or my brother who was safely hiding in one of the crawl spaces under some insulation. We got picked on a lot growing up there. We were one of the few white families around the area so I got picked on quite a bit for just being a nerdy little white kid. My father thought it was important for us to grow up in a diverse area where we would see all kinds of different races and colors. All my best friends were either Asian or black it was pretty cool of my dad to do. It did teach me not to judge a person by their appearance. It's too bad that the other kids around there didn't get taught that. So for a while we got beat up a little bit until my brothers started fighting back. Soon they all realized that if they messed with one of us they might as well mess with all 9 of us. I didn't realize it until one day on the bus a kid started picking on me saying I took his seat on the bus when another kid sitting near asked him if he knew who he was messing with. The kid told him I was one of the Johnson's and needless to say he got pretty nice pretty quickly and I smiled really big. And from that day forward I kind of became a little smart ass, always running my mouth at the kids in the neighborhood knowing they all were scared. My brother chased a kid on the sidewalk with his car after he saw the kid stealing my bike from me. He thought he could just push me off my bike and steal it cause he was bigger. Luckily my bro was right there and chased him down. You should of seen his face when my bro made him apologize to me while holding him up in the air. This kid who was probably 5 years older then me would meet me at my bus stop for days stealing my trapper keeper and beating me everyday. He chased me through my yard one day and my dog bit him in the ass. He grabbed his older brother and started walking to our house and my older bro saw this and ran outside with a knife and told them not to fuck with me any more and I never saw them again. That was the last time I remember getting messed with. Not to incriminate anyone but one time some girls beat up my sister and even a guy hit her. So my brother found out who he was and went and blew up his brand new Cadillac. There's a bunch of other stories but, I don't want to get anyone in trouble and some of them are so crazy I don't know if you would believe me or not. But after 5 murders on our block alone, I did witness two of the shootings. Something a kid should never see. I had nightmares for months and I became really scared to be alone. One night two guys hid in our porch and waited for us to get home. They must of been casing out our place because my dad was always slow to enter the house. They waited till we all went in and as soon as my dad came walking up way behind they jumped him and began beating the shit out of him. They had an ice pick they were swinging at him, luckily the tip of it broke off on the house or they might have killed him with it. My dad was a big guy but older. He took the beating and refused to give up his wallet. We were all in shock when he came up to the house. My brothers were so pissed they went around the neighborhood beating up anybody that fit the description. So after all this happening my parents finally decided to put the house up for sale. My moms plan was to move us to Wisconsin. We didn't need as big of a house anymore because it was just 5 of us left and my older brothers that were twins were in their senior year of high school so they were set to move out. It wasn't easy selling that house but finally they took a low offer so we could get out of there. We ended up moving the night of the crazy Halloween snow storm in 1991. I'm sure you all remember that one. I was so scarred riding in that U-Haul in that storm. When we all got there we had to quickly unload the one my dad was driving so he could go back and get the last load along with my dog. It took him all night and my mom was so nervous and we were all so worried. It was before cell phones so there was no way we could check up on him and I don't think we even had a phone in our new house yet. At the time I didn't know it but my dad was going through some serious health problems. They kept it secret from us kids. I had no idea that he was having heart problems. So we were in a new town just a small fraction the size of Minneapolis called Amery WI. It wasn't even a month since we had been there and my dad had to go in for some surgery to unblock a clogged artery. I was told that it was a simple procedure and it should only take a day or to and he would be home safe and sound. He left on a Monday after I hugged him and told him to hurry home. I knew something was wrong when my mother had come home in a daze that night. I didn't find out what until I overheard a phone conversation she had with her friend. I guess there were complications in the procedure they were trying to do and they ended up having to do an emergency triple bypass. So there I was new to a small town, starting over at a new school, trying to meet new friends all while things were going wrong with my dad....Oh this is getting long again so I will keep you on the edge of your seat till tomorrow where I will finish the story of me growing up and tie it into my recovery.

Josh

Holiday joy time

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. I decided to not go to the family's and hung out by myself. But don't feel sorry for me. I chose to do it that way. I actually prefer it that way believe it or not. I wanted to skip the whole song and dance number with the fam. Why pretend we're a close family for a day then go about our separate lives for the rest of the year. I found that if I go to someone else's Thanksgiving I just get depressed at seeing a functional family the whole time wishing mine was like that. Although I don't know what I would do with myself if we did get that close all of a sudden. So I had a nice relaxing day just watching movies and stuff. I did get to eat some turkey so that was cool. For a spilt second I entertained the idea of getting high again. But then I started to think about the whole chase thing and the nightmare of the cycle. Which brings me back to the whole dog chasing its tail thing. I mean its a rush in itself to go get the drugs. And the anticipation before the first hit or shot is an electrifying experience of its own. But its all about the first hit. Its like your the dog and with the first hit you get a Little nibble on your tail and the whole time after that your just chasing it. Its such insanity. Doing the same action but expecting a different result. That's all the addiction is... insanity. Plus I know if I did get high one time is too many and 1000 would never be enough. Once I get high I just want to stay high. That monster would wake up inside of me and its hard for me to stop once I start. I am so glad I broke that cycle. I feel a lot different then when I went to treatment the first time. I got the sober high when I got out of treatment the first time. Life felt really good there for a minute, but then I forgot about life and it slapped me in the face and I realized that just being sober isn't the answer. It's figuring out what made me want to use in the first place and dealing with those issues is what the answer is. I'm not gonna lie being sober is kind of boring a lot of times. And I still can hate life sometimes but getting high I hate it that much more. I've been thinking about my earlier years and can see where I kind of checked out way before I was using. I was a depressed kid growing up. I remember wanting any escape I could to get out of the house and away from my crazy mom. I was thinking of what a terror I must have been to other kids parents when I would stay at their houses. I was like a caged animal all of a sudden set free for a bit and I would probably get so hyper and crazy. I probably had a lot of pent up feelings and they would all get released for a bit and I know I had to drive them crazy for a bit. I always wondered why I sometimes never got invited back to peoples houses but now I can understand. I didn't know how to handle the freedom so I would just try and do everything that I wasn't allowed to do so I'd take it to the extreme. I heard one friends parents say to my mom that they've never heard a kid with such a potty mouth before. (Of course that came from a pastor so, I kind of wonder what they considered a potty mouth) Kind of makes me laugh now. I just remember being so bummed out stuck in the house with this crazy women who only let me do things that related to the church. I remember one time we were at Target and I wanted a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figure sooooo bad. I think one of my sister's dates gave me $20 to try and impress my sis. (I thought hey sis this could be a good gig for me keep bringing these chumps home and I'll act like an innocent quite kid and they can keep giving me money...) anyways I was begging my mom to get it (I mean who the hell has to do that when they are a kid if it was my own money) and she must have been in some kind of a better mood and she let me get it as long as she could baptize it when we got home. (I know fucking hilarious huh?) You see my mother thought that a lot of T.V. and music that was not christian had like subliminal messages in them that were either satanic or telling kids to get on drugs. Little did she know that I would get up super early and sneak cartoons and when she was gone I would watch all kinds of T.V. Miami Vice, He-man(which my mom thought was super satanic), MTV, The A-Team, Transformers,etc..... My mom would get home from shopping or whatever and the first thing she would do is feel the T.V. to see how warm it was. The warmer it was the more trouble I got in cause she knew I was probably watching these shows. But little did she know that my older brothers taught me a trick that if I took out the ice cream tub out of the freezer and set it on the T.V. it would keep it cool and she'd never know. Ha ha crazy right? I had to learn to sneak a lot of things to fool my mom. I remember one time she would occasionally go through my room when I wasn't home and she found some cassette tapes I hid in my socks and boy did I get in trouble. Funny thing was it was U2 and they were kind of christian back in the day. Crazy thing was is my sister could listen to whatever she wanted to and pretty much do whatever she wanted to. I guess it's an advantage to be the only girl in a family of 8 boys. Another thing I remember is my mom hated video games so my brothers had a crawl space in their room so we snuck a T.V. in there and they got a Nintendo. She never found that one we kept it for a year then they came up with a plan to "give" it to me for Christmas cause my mom would feel too guilty that they spent so much on a gift for me that she wouldn't want to disappoint me that bad. (I know we were some scheming fucks huh? We had to be) And of course she went out and bought me some crappy bible games for me to play on it. We would switch labels on the games so she would think we were always playing the bible games. Anyways this story is getting kind of long so I will hold you in suspense until tomorrow. I am going somewhere with this story. I just thought I would give you an insight to my family life.

Josh

Trying Day

Well I've had a bad day today after a string of good days. I tend to get in a bad mood when the holidays come around, but today I wasn't really focused on that. I just need to find a place to stay for a couple days and you'd think my family would be willing to accommodate me cause I haven't seen them in a while and considering on how far I've come in my recovery. I just sometimes wonder if my family even cares about me anymore. I'm not in a woe-is-me attitude at all, its what I truly think. I'd like to have a good relationship with my family. I'd like it if everyone wasn't so distant or so I hate to say it, selfish. I mean I know I've screwed up and lost some of their trust but its been like this for a while. Even before my self-destruction drug path that I chose to go down there for a while. I was talking to my mom last night and I was trying to figure out why not that many people were coming to thanksgiving and she just said that's how they are. She said my one brother doesn't like being around too many people. What the hell does that mean? It's as if we were inviting him to the Mall of America or a rock concert or something. It's just your brothers, your sister, mom, nieces, nephews, and a couple peoples significant others. It's not a bunch of strangers making him nervous. I don't understand that at all. Why can't he just say he doesn't feel like being around us? I don't understand it. We all used to get together and have a blast. Even my brother that's been feuding with my mom forever is coming. I thought it could be everyone together for the first time in like 10 years or something. It's really what makes me feel so down this time of year. I miss everybody. I just think what if someone dies and I don't want to regret not talking to them in years. Going through this sobriety is tough with support and I have no support from my family. Most of them have no idea what I'm even going through. I've started thinking about disowning my family, it's not out of a resentment thing, I just feel like its not a healthy thing for me to have. I always feel hurt when I talk to them or see them. I talked to my other brother tonight who usually works on the holiday so I asked him if I could come hang out for a couple of days so he and I wouldn't be alone for the holiday, but he said he couldn't afford it or his dog doesn't like strangers. I just stood in shock. Like what other b.s. do you want to tell me? Like I am gonna eat him out of house and home or something. Or his dog is gonna just viciously attack me or something. I've tried and tried again the last ten years to keep a close relationship to my family, always being the one to reach out and call and make sure they were ok and see how they were doing. No one calls me. No visits when I was in jail. They knew I was in this treatment place, not even a phone call. I would be the first one to visit them in jail or treatment. I would be by there side the whole time knowing that what they were facing was a very difficult time and they needed my support. I have friends that have been way more of a family to me more then they have ever been. Family has always been important to me but like my mom said you can't teach an old dog new tricks. But I come with the attitude that you can change. I mean if I had that attitude I would have long ago overdosed or been so deep in my addiction that I was a walking zombie. I just don't understand it. I have fucked up and maybe I'm an embarrassment to them I really don't know. I've apologized to them and that's all I can do. I just don't want it dragging me down anymore so I am gonna severe the ties because I think it is for my own good. It's not like there is a tie to severe anyways. Anyways sorry to ramble about that its just a huge issue I am dealing with. It has added to my depression and one of the reasons why I wanted to numb myself so badly. The thought of using has entered my mind today, but when that happens I always try and remember the bad times and the darkness that takes over my soul when I start using. I don't need that gorilla on my back anymore. Like they say in na one is too many and 1000 is not enough. Because if I do it once then I open that dark spirit in me and I can't stop myself. Going out and using would just awaken the beast within me. I would loose all the progress I've made of defeating my dark side. I did have some good times today when I jammed with my friend Arver. We have 3 songs so far and the music is definitely flowing out of me lately. All those bottled up bad feelings I have get released when I play and I lose my self in the music when I play. I forget about everything else. All I can hear is the music, all the other thoughts in my mind become lost in the sound that I am creating. Its such a beautiful thing. Any ways I really got to find a place to stay for the next couple of days. I really hope I can find one. Otherwise its off to the homeless shelter and that really sucks. I really can't wait to be working again. It's been a while since I've been financially stable. Yet another thing the drugs took away from me. I start to think how much money I've wasted on them and it makes me sick. I'd be in a really good spot if I had all that money. I have one month added up because I kept a record and I spent $20,000 that month on getting high and staying high. Isn't that ludicrous? It's amazing what kind of grip they have on you once you become addicted. I hope no one ever has to go through that. I've been to hell and back. And sometimes my body feels really old. From all the damage I put on it over the last 10 years. The last 2 years I am just amazed that I made it through. It's such an awful disease. It goes untreated for quite a while, and then once you figure you have it there's the whole denial phase. The fucked up thing is all I can say is I hope I never let go of my sobriety. Because you never know. It could come back and sneak up on me. Putting myself through that torture all over again. I really got to work my program a lot harder.

Safe travels to everyone on turkey day

Josh

inspiration

Hello all. I took a couple of days of the blog. Sometimes I draw a blank on what to write so instead of some boring entry I just figured I would wait a day or two so I could give you something interesting to read. Been doing OK. I overslept for my Dr. appt. today. Ugh like the 15th time I've done it. I forgot what time it was at so I figured I'd call in the morning when I woke up because I was 50% sure it was in the afternoon but alas it was in the morning at 8:30. So I rescheduled. My Dr. is a busy guy so he's usually pretty booked. Anyways I've been reading a new book. The title is "Scar Tissue" by Anthony Kiedis in case you don't know who he is he's the singer for The Red Hot Chili Peppers. I've been getting a lot of inspiration from his story. He's also a recovering addict from heroin. He was talking about his relapses and saying how each time he did have a slip it his addiction became worse. That's totally true. Before my first time in treatment I was pretty bad. Taking Oxy's everyday that I could and snorting coke as much as I could also. But when I ran out of money I was like shit can't afford it now oh well I guess I'll feel crappy for a few days. Then I went to treatment and did pretty good for a little while (like almost a year or so). Then I met a guy who could get Oxy's for a lot cheaper and I started up again. Plus this is where I was introduced to heroin. This time however when I was out of money I would start stealing things to get them. I also started pawning my shit so I could get them also. During this time no one really knew what I was doing. Because first off I start to withdraw when I use so if you notice me withdrawing (like when I stop doing my blog for a while) chances I am out there doing the dirt. I don't know if I would've stopped my roll had it not been the fact that I got caught forging those checks from my brothers business. In a way it was a blessing in disguise, it probably saved my life. It forced me to take a serious look at my life. It reinforced the fact that I was an addict. My using was out of control. The drugs were running my life and I was just along for the ride. I can't tell you how happy I am not to have to deal with the chase of getting drugs. I'd wake up in a panic just thinking how I was gonna score that day. I would call all my guys and see who had some shit I could get. A lot of times I had to go meet them in a shady part of town and hand them my money and wait for them to come back. I didn't really know these guys all that well. So I would be sitting in my car in the ghetto just waiting for them. I can't tell you how much that would stress me out. First off I would be going through withdrawals, then sitting in this part of town where at any minute someone could come up to me and car jack me or try and rob me (funny thing would be if they tried all my money was with my drug connect) and thirdly if they just took my money and run with it and go get high for themselves. I hating dealing this way. Usually they would be up charging me so they could get some. Or they would have the line when they came back of how the dealer ripped me off. I was too concentrated on getting my high then thinking about these guy's excuses. I got ripped off numerous times. A couple times I would have to deal with someone new and they took off with my money and I never saw them again. Oh that would hurt I would just get super angry and super anxious because I was that close to scoring but didn't and I just spent all my money on nothing. It's such a terrible cycle to be in. I finally got myself into an inpatient treatment my second time. It gave me the time to get a way from this scene for a while. Right before I went in I had robbed two dealers for some shit. So I really didn't want to be out there because they were probably hunting me down. I was withdrawing so bad and got so desperate for cash that my only option was to steal from the dealer themselves. I was so relieved to go to treatment. But six months out of treatment I was using again and it was worse. I began shooting dope in my arm. Its like damn didn't I learn my lesson already. I went through the same bullshit that I went through before. All the stuff I worked at getting back I pawned again. I started working for my brother again. Got friends back again. But like before they all deteriorated quickly. I thought I was being so slick thinking no one knew I was using again but they all knew. They know me and they know when I am not acting right that I am up to something. Towards the end of that relapse it just seemed like I wasn't getting high on the drugs. No matter how much I would use, I would not get that high. I got so frustrated. I had spent all my money and pawned my stuff for nothing? Damn but I still couldn't stop myself. Finally my P.O. got suspicious and violated me. I spent a couple months in jail. It sucked but it did pull me out of that pit. But this time I felt a lot of shame and guilt. I was too afraid to tell people that I had fallen again. They had just forgiven me and was glad I was sober. But here again I was using and losing all over again. Its really hard to get back up and brush yourself off. It's really draining. I just got to remember I am only human and I'm gonna fuck up now and then. I don't have to drag a relapse months along. The problem is when I start using again it temporarily fills that hole that I feel inside. And the next day when I wake up sober something just doesn't feel right and I had open that door again and off I go taking one slip off to a bender. Problem was when I got out of treatment I was so on a sober high (they call it a pink cloud in recover) that one bad day and I was off to the races. Now that I know that now when I have a bad day and start thinking about using I pick up the phone and call someone and talk about. Having a good sober network is very important to my recovery. So many people in the sober community are so nice and they will answer their phones 24 hours a day because they know how hard it is and understand. Even if its 3 in the morning and I am feeling like shit and just a step away from going out and finding something to get high on they want me to call. I've never had that in my life. Part of recovery is helping other people with theirs. There is a saying in aa/na. "you can only keep what you have by giving it away". I'm really trying to live by that. Helping others helps me stay charged up and it makes me accountable for my actions. I know it kinda seems like I got this licked and all. But to be honest I still struggle with things. I have grown a lot in the past year but I am only one really bad day away from a relapse. I'm not setting myself up for failure I am just being honest. I gotta be honest and reach out to people in order for me to stay sober. Thank you everyone who has given me support and their phone number and telling me to call anytime I need to talk. It means the world to me. It's exactly what I need. I hope that by me writing this I inspire you to better yourself too. There's plenty of things for anyone to take and institute in your daily life. Not just addicts. So once again if you are dealing with a chemical addiction problem please don't hesitate to contact me. I will not judge you or talk you down. No one has to continually suffer with there addictions. I know if I go into a relapse again it will only be worse. And using drugs will only take you to one of three places jails, institutions(treatment, hospitals), or death. The way I look at it is I've already been to 2 out of the 3 so the only other thing would be death. I want to live so that means I gotta stay sober. No more lying to myself. I've thought before that drinking a beer or smoking some weed that I would be fine. But the way I work is one beer leads to another beer leads to another beer and before I know it I've just polished off a 12 pack and now I am buzzed up and thinking about getting some blow or something to bring me back up. And weed well I know it will drain my motivation a way and I will be smoking it all day and everyday. I have to say no to everything. It does suck I am jealous of anyone that can do it and function but unfortunately I am not one of those people. Wow I've been writing for a while so until tomorrow......

Josh

amends can be tough

Another decent day for me. Stori got me some kick as new shoes. And a cool smart wool sweater by accident. She ordered one for her dad but it ended up being too small for him. So I'm pretty styling right now. Anyways I've started doing my amends. It's not easy saying I'm sorry for shit that I'm pretty embarrassed about. Some of the friends I've had I haven't even talked to since whatever incident happened. Slowly I start to recall all these fucked up times and its hard a lot of the times coming to terms with what I did. It makes me wonder how I got so fucked up and why I had done some of the shit I've pulled. Its gonna take me a while. First I got to muster up the courage to reach out to these people and say I'm really sorry. Being fucked up on drugs Isn't really that solid of an excuse. I mean its partially true but at the same time I gotta hold myself accountable for the rotten things I did. My mind was so clouded and my thought process was so off. These are the things I really regret. Some of them are monetary things and I don't feel like I can make amends till I can pay them back. I also owe the bank and Wal-mart $6000 from the checks I forged. Luckily they covered the checks or my brothers business could of been shut down. I mean how fucked up is that? I stole from my own brother to feed my habit. That just shows you the nature of addiction. I really meant I would've stole from anybody to get my next fix. That's how much heroin will grip you and make you its bitch. I really felt like I lost all my morals. Now I know that it just clouded my thinking and I'm glad I no longer have to live like that. My brother has forgiven me. The hard part is forgiving myself. I never thought that I would ever be a "junkie" like that. It's so strange to think of it that way. But that's basically what my life had become. I was like a dog chasing my tail. All I could focus on was getting that tail (heroin). I'm sure it was really hard for my family and friends to watch. Cause there's nothing anyone could do about it but watch my life demise. It wasn't till I got to that old cliche. I just got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm just so grateful I caught myself and woke up before it got too late or before I did something so fucked up. I mean I could've and probably would've done something to fuck up the rest of my life. All for heroin. It's like this horrible girlfriend that I just couldn't get myself to walk away. I have suffered some consequences and I'll be dealing with the department of corrections for another 3 years (probation). So if I fuck up again I will end up in prison and I really don't want that. So I have to work hard everyday to stay straight. I constantly got to keep reminding myself what I have to lose every time I get a craving. Because I'm probably going to have cravings all my life. They get easier as time passes but their still there. I am getting better at shutting them down its just tough if I have a really bad day. My old habit was to go out and get fucked up so I wouldn't have to deal with it. But all that really does us delays it. I still have to face it at some time I just prefer now to deal with it right a way then its done. That's why I gotta keep myself motivated. That's partially why I write this blog everyday. Sometimes I gotta force myself to do it. Same thing with meetings. I am going tomorrow night no matter what. So thanks everybody for the support I need it.

Josh

starting life all over again

So today I was thinking "man I am like 31 going on 18." again. Man you'd think at 31 I would be in my career, starting a family, and planning retirement. But since I let my addiction problems drag me to rock bottom, I am basically starting over again. I had my life together before it had happened. When I was 22 I had my life in a good place. I drove new cars, made good money, and spent it wisely (to some degree). But slowly I became unhappy with life and started losing one thing after another. The thing that hurt the most was pawing all my musical gear. I had amassed quite a collection there for a while. It took me a few years of working hard to get. And I lost it all in 5 minutes. Sold it all way too cheap. And I have nothing to show for it. That's just a sample of stuff I lost. Not to mention getting kicked out of apartment after apartment because I couldn't pay my rent on time or pay it at all. Every month my cell phone would get shut off and the only reason I even paid it was so I could get a hold of my dealers. By the end of this last summer all I had left was my car and a few clothes. There were quite a few nights where I had to sleep in my car cause I had no where to stay. Nothing sucks more then calling all these people you thought were your friends and all of them turning you down from sleeping on their couch and they all knew I didn't have any where to go. It hit me one night as I was trying to get comfortable in my little Toyota Camry. Man I didn't have any good friends I could rely on. Man I was so hurt. I would've easily offered them my couch if the situation was flipped around they wouldn't even of had to ask me. That night, as I kept tossing and turning and trying to adjust my seat so my knees wouldn't hit the steering wheel, I realized that I was hitting rock bottom again. In fact I barely got out of it the first time. To top it off I had a little bit of the withdrawals. So I really didn't sleep that night. I knew right then and there that I had lost any meaningful friendship that I had. I had to dump all these using "friends" I suppose if I had called them saying I had a bunch of drugs they would've gladly offered me their couch. Anyways I thought well at least I had my car. But on June 10th of this year that changed when I got arrested. I wrote about it in one of my earlier blogs so I won't repeat myself. So that left me with losing every possession that I had. The only thing I had left to lose was my life. I knew I didn't want to lose that so I started to reconsider everything. I mean its easy for me to get down thinking that I am behind everybody I know. Most people are well on their way at 31. But I got to remember to be grateful. A good friend of my friend Stori died recently at the age of 28 from the same drugs I had been doing for years now. That could have easily been me. I had taken scary amounts of them. There was many a nights I was scared to fall asleep cause I was so high I was afraid that I never would wake up. I remember one night at work I had taken four 80 mg Oxycontin's after I had a few beers and I got scary high. I had to get some coke just cause I thought my heart was gonna stop beating. So I remind myself I am grateful to be alive. In a way its kind of exciting cause I get a fresh start and I can be whatever I want now. At least I'm not 31 and stuck in some dead end job hating life. I guess now that I think about it I don't really regret anything I did (except when I hurt someone) because its taught me so much. Its opened my eyes in life and I never would be thinking the way I am now. I'm finally looking at "Life's my oyster" I can do whatever I put my mind to. It kind of sucks I had to learn it the hard way but I'm glad I did. I don't want to do it again and I don't want anyone else to do it. But I've learned so much and it has matured me a lot. So when you start feeling down think about what you have to be grateful for. You'll find your mood changing for the better.

Keep your head up It'll get better

Josh

Finding myself

Hey everybody. Today was an OK day. I've been reading in the big book (basically the addicts bible sort of) and I've focused on the morning and night prayer that's on page 86. I'm not really that much into god per say but I am trying to establish a spiritual connection. I need a higher power. Its not that I don't believe in god, I've just been turned off from the whole christian thing. It was force fed to me by my mother growing up and I've been made to go to these really fucked up churches. Ones that just talked about giving money every time you walked in the door. Why does a pastor need a private jet, brand new Cadillacs every six months, a huge mansion, or Armani suits? I don't think its right to profit off of peoples belief in god. It's taking advantage of peoples faith. That or all the hypocrisy you see in there day in and day out. I know everyone is human and falls short of the glory of god. But people in leadership are supposed to be held to a higher standard. I know I shouldn't let stupid people get in my way of a relationship with god. But I also feel that there's been so many times I've prayed to god for this or that and never gotten a response. People always tell me I just need to seek him out but I've done that time and time again. I'll figure it out one day but for now my meetings I attend are my higher power til I can figure that shit out. Anyways the prayer in the big book basically says "Did I have any resentments today? Is there anything I need to apologize for? Has I honest today? Could I have done something better? " Its a good way to finish the day off with. Sort of a self reflection more then a prayer. There are so many things that I do wrong everyday and its hard to change that behavior since I've been doing it so long. I just am finding out a lot of character defects that I never really thought that I have. Like I've been pretty good at lying to people and being manipulative. I guess sometimes I can be an asshole. I've never noticed that before. Its like the more I take my personal inventory the more things that I notice to add to my list of ways to improve. It's mot gonna be overnight, so I have to remind myself that so I don't get frustrated. Getting sober was just part of the battle. I now am clear headed enough to notice all these using behaviors. Another one I deal with is my laziness and my procrastination. Like tonight I wasn't really in the mood to write in my blog I just got to stick with it because these blogs help me a lot. They make me think of things differently cause when you write it down, a lot of things you think differently about cause you can see it and review it. Plus it kind of holds me to some accountability. I don't want to write about something that's completely untrue so when I'm caught doing it I won't feel like a hypocrite. Plus its really beneficial for me to be completely honest. we have a saying in recovery "To thine own self be true". I've been so good at lying that I can almost convince myself that something is real and true when in reality it wasn't. Sometimes I start to think man I don't want to tell people about that it would be embarrassing. But I don't really care. I am doing this recovery thing so I no longer have to hide from myself. Plus it helps a lot to get feed back from all you guys. From now on I am gonna wear my heart on my sleeves. For too long I was always afraid to be me. Afraid someone wouldn't like me or someone wouldn't approve of me. Honesty is really the best policy. Lying about shit or lying to myself just brought me to a dark place that I never want to visit again. I hope you guys enjoy this blog and get something out of it because really who wouldn't benefit from asking yourself what could you have done better today? Is there anything I need to apologize for? Was I honest today? Was I resentful at anyone today? I really hope I inspire change in your life too. Don't get me wrong I have plenty of days where I fuck up and I will probably have plenty more. I try and stop myself when I start getting mad or resentful. I've started to analyze the situation and figure out if its even worth being angry or resentful. My filter is back in my mind and the more I use it there better I get. Also lately I've been working out again. Its hard to stay on track with it but when I do work out I feel great. Its just staying out of my lazy tendencies other wise it will drag me down. I have been lazy about attending meetings lately but I am gonna change that starting tomorrow. Meetings are great. I mean sometimes they can be depressing hearing other peoples problems, but you know its just someone needing to be honest and needing someone to listen. Shit I do it sometimes and its great to have someone come up to you after group and give you advice on how to handle whatever is bothering me. Plus it's nice to meet other people in sobriety. Yet another thing I need to work on is being more outgoing at the meetings cause I need to meet other like minded people so I can have some good sober friends. I'm not used to having good friends I can hang out with. I've had some but I've lost contact or they got fed up with me because of my using. I'm slowly getting some of those back but there are a few to go. I'm still a little new to this so I am learning everyday. Well its getting late and I am getting tired so off to bed for me. I hope you all have a wonderful day

Josh

Another good day

Hey everybody! I hope you all had a good day. Mine was pretty awesome. I went over to my friend Arver's to check out his new drum set. We jammed for a while and ended up recording a song. It was way cool. We've decided to start a band. We've talked about it for a while but now the time is right. I'm really gonna take a run at this. It's been one of my life goals to record an album and go on a tour. I know chances are it could go no where and I'm probably not gonna be a rock star, but I really don't care about that so much. We sound pretty good though and we probably could tour smaller clubs. It's a very nice outlet for me to have. It's the closest thing I can do to get "high". I can't explain it. When your jamming with someone and you both are right on and you just know when the changes are and everything. It's like a spiritual connection. The music just takes you both and its like your on a ride and you're not in control. Anyways enough about that sorry I'm really excited I've been trying to do this for years. I've gotten close but my using or someone Else's using got in the way. I know I can do this as long as I stay sober. I'm so grateful right now. My friend has saved me and let me stay with her and she's becoming my best friend. It's nice to have a place to stay that I know I am safe and no ones using around me. I've just been reading a lot of books lately. I'm reading running with scissors right now its pretty funny and an insight to someone Else's fucked up family. I read his other book called dry and it was about his journey into sobriety. He was a hardcore alcoholic and he started smoking crack. But he made it. I'm glad I wasn't a hardcore alcoholic. Its actually one of the harder drugs to get off of. Its one of the only drugs you can actually die from withdrawals. Weird huh? And its the legal one. Kind of backwards. Any ways my friend was asking me why did you do drugs like that? I started out just wanting to have a good time. I'm not gonna lie it does feel good. Heroin feels awesome I've never had a feeling like that before. I'm not glorifying it by any means. Just being honest. I started out just partying having fun and then I realized it really numbed me to the point where I had no worries or trouble, at least while I was on it. And over the years I have held on to a lot of resentments and hurt from girls cheating on me or my childhood or someone doing me wrong. I discovered if I got high I wouldn't think about it at all. It was the one place I could "hide". No one could hurt me there. It just felt really good. My mind would clear and I could just relax. I remember thinking at one time while I was with my girlfriend that if things went wrong heroin would be there for me. Heroin wouldn't cheat on me, lie to me, or anything else. And then I was hooked. Like I've said before once you're hooked its hard to quit. It grabs a hold of you and it doesn't let go. I feel like it took my soul from me. I lost my conscience. I no longer knew right from wrong. I was in a daze all the time. I was stealing from family and friends to keep myself high. It got to the point where not only would I do heroin I would do any drug I could get my hands on. Crack, Ecstasy, meth, cocaine, any pharmaceutical, hallucinogens, and anything that would change my mood. I was carrying so much baggage. Instead of facing my feelings of hurt I would just bury them deep inside and self medicate myself. I know I hate it I'm such a sensitive guy sometimes. What's wrong with me? I would always ask myself. I'm a dude I'm not supposed to have emotions. Sometimes I would wish I was one of those assholes who didn't have feelings. I wish I could have the ability to have things not effect me so much. Especially when it comes to women and relationships. When ever I would have a big fight or something wrong with my girlfriend that would be the time I would want to numb myself the most. I had this girlfriend cheat on me like 10 years ago and that's what kind of got this downward spiral started. I had left a girl to be with her. The girl I left was the best girlfriend I've ever had. So I was feeling so guilty about that. I carried that guilt for so long. I've apologized to her probably 1000 times. Its one of my biggest regrets. If I had met her now I would have totally married her. But since then I've dated the worst girls and they all have cheated on me and left me for dry. My last one cheated on me and I'm surprised I've held it together. Like I said before that was probably my worst relationship. She was dealing with sobriety, but she couldn't stop drinking. I just saw a good person there, but she left me high and dry. Now she just defriended me off of facebook. I feel like we're 14 years old. I told her I forgive her for cheating and everything but she just responded by unfriending me on facebook. I know if I hold a resentment it will just drag me down. All I can do is pray for her and hope she gets her life together. I just don't get how you can be that close to someone then just one day say fuck it and completely drop them out of your life. My last 6 girlfriends have done that to me. I don't understand it. I gotta pick better ones. I guess maybe since my life has been fucked up that's what I've attracted. Girls have been a big part of my problem and I finally realize it. I gotta be like Jay-Z I have 99 problems but a bitch ain't one. So I've decided to be celibate for a while and work on me. I have enough problems with myself right now. I can't deal with someone Else's. So for now I am concentrating on this blog and my band and very soon school. That should keep my hands full for a while. So my moral to this story is don't hang on to resentments. If someone did you wrong forgive them and move on because otherwise it will just drag you down. I'm so glad to be coming out of rock bottom cause it sucks. For a while I was scared that I had become complacent with my pile of shit. You know how if a dog shits in the room and you leave it and soon you don't notice it? That's where my life had been that last couple of years. I was in a pile of shit and I hadn't cleaned it up and I sat in it so long that I got used to it and it became normal to me. I was afraid that I would be stuck in it for the rest of my life. Thankfully my p.o. violated me when he did. I was knee deep again and I would've stayed there for a while. I wouldn't be writing this blog in fact I might have been doing nothing cause I could've been dead. So I'm here and I'm staying here. It gets better. One day at a time..........

Josh

Writing this blog.

Alright I am gonna do another entry today. I am reading this book and in it his friend went out on a relapse. It just got me thinking about my relapse. Relapse is dangerous for me because usually when I do it I go on a big bender and its hard for me to come back. Heroin is a drug you can't really start and just stop. I go through really bad withdrawals where I feel like I have a really bad flu for two weeks and my body sweats and I can't sit still or sleep it amplifies my anxiety by 100. The only thing I can think about it using more to feel better. This summer it got really bad. I remember getting a bunch of dope and doing some and getting upset because I wasn't really that high. So I kept doing more and more. I am lucky to be a live. I remember actually crying because it seemed like I couldn't get high. My tolarence is like that of an elephant. I got to the point where I had to take potentially lethal doses to get high. I remember the last day this summer that I got high. I shot up and then had to go give my girlfriend a ride. It was June 10th. On the ride I got hit by a guy running a red light. I got arrested because I had a warrant. I was so high going into jail. I stayed in for a while and I went through withdrawals in jail. I can remember being so depressed that I was planning on killing myself in jail. I had it all planned out. I was gonna hang myself in the cell right after they did their check. I never had the balls to do it. But thats how serious this is for me. Its just gonna lead me to death and an early one at that. So please if you or someone you know has a chemical addiction have them read this and message me. I will try my hardest to tell them my story and hopefully give them some insight. There is a better way to live. No one needs to suffer the horrors of addiction. Oh and thank you everyone for your prayers and support. I still need it I still have bad days. I am still not out of the woods yet. I will be an addict for the rest of my life. I still have dreams about using, where I wake up panicked thinking I relapsed. I am grateful to be sober today and I hope tomorrow will be the same.

Josh

diagnosed

Well I had my psch evaluation today. After answering a bunch of questions he diagnosed me with general anxiety disorder and ADHD. I just go through episodes of depression and anxiety. They can last from a few weeks to a few months. So thats good news. I also discussed with him my inability to pay attention to things and we went over some more questions and thats when I got the ADHD diagnosis. I wasn't really surprised by that I kind of knew I had it for a while. So we are gonna begin treating that. I am happy its gonna make going back to school so much easier. I was worried about not being able to pay attention to lectures and reading the text books. I've noticed while reading I'll go a couple pages and realize I don't remember and have to go back and read them again sometimes having to do that multiple times. So hopefully with the correct treatment this will get fixed. So anyways I will keep this short today.

Josh

Lazy Sunday

Each day I wake up now I can feel that I am getting better. I'm not as anxious as I was when I first started my sobriety. I can actually sit down and read a book now. I am no longer pacing back and forth like I used to do a lot. I'm just trying to go through all my resentments and figure out how to get rid of them. A lot of them come from ex-girlfriends. I read this book the other day called loose girl and one called smashed. It made me go back and think about the relationships I had while I was deep into my using days. One talked about how the girl loved alcohol so much that whoever she was dating came second. And that made me really think crap you know what I had put drugs over my girlfriend a number of times. I think there for a while that my "one true love" was heroin or oxy's or whatever drug I was into at the time. It's easy for me to forget the wrongs I did and just concentrate on the things they had wronged me in. So I've realized lately that I probably did push them away. It doesn't give them an excuse for what they did, but I realize where I might have been a catalyst to it. As I go through these resentments I start to see that some of them I am to blame for it and I have no reason to resent this person. I have a lot of apologizing to do. I've been resentful at friends for just leaving me but now I can see that the type of person I had become why would they want to hang out with me? I'm starting to get some of these relationships back and it feels great. There are some people that I won't contact again but that's just because I can't hang out with them anymore. It may bring me back to using and its not worth it to me. I finally contacted my mother yesterday and that felt great. I am gonna go to thanksgiving this year for the first time in like 5 years. I really miss my family. We have grown distant in the last 10 years. There's 9 kids in my family and we've all grown apart over the years. Part of it was the fucked up childhood we had and part of it is everyone is starting their own family's and I imagine its tougher for them to get together. I just hope maybe that my treatment brings them all together. Sometimes it takes something like that for it to happen. I just don't want the next time we're all together to be at a funeral. And if I were to keep using they would be attending mine. It was really hard to contact my family since they all were there last year when I was in treatment. It took a while for me to not be full of shame that I was in another treatment, my second time in a year. But they all were happy that I was back and I was just having negative thoughts in my mind about it. I think I was just mad at myself. I had let myself down. It's easy to do. I just realize its very important for me to stay positive. I've learned a lot from my relapse and I feel like I can soak in more this time around. I know what area's I have to work on more. I see where I failed last time and am applying myself in those areas. I never took a personal inventory last time. I never went over my resentments last time. It is tough because a lot of these are buried deep down and I don't even think of them but their there. Its just identifying them and dealing with it. So that's where I am at today. I guess its time for me to read. I am reading about and advertising exec. who's company made him go to rehab. The title is "Dry" I'll let you know how it is......

Josh

snow hooray

Well we've gotten the first snow of the season. Kind of cool huh? Winter's coming and it's usually the winter blues for me. I'm getting signed up for school here. I think its important for me to keep busy. I've been reading books lately to keep my mind in shape for school. I'm reading some books about recovery and issues that I've dealing with. It's cool to read some one's story and know that I can make it if they did. I need to find a source of income pretty soon. I am so sick of being broke. In a way its been good cause if I have a bad day I can't just run out and get some dope. But there are a lot of things I need to buy myself so we will see what happens. Been listening to music again lately. More hip hop then I'm used to but its pretty good. Been listening to Eyedea's last album. Its pretty good its just too bad he had to check out like that. It's a reminder for me to clean up my act so no one has to attend my funeral. I've got the bug to start making music again. I just hope I can get back together with the people that I started writing songs with. I want to take it to the next level and be more serious about it this time. It just seemed before my using would get in the way and cause drama to split it up where there should have been none. Maybe the white tiger will get released into the wild again. (come on brad) ha ha Anyways I need to hit up a meeting tomorrow (na/aa) I need to find a new sponsor since my last one disappeared after me leaving the ARC....Anyways I am gonna get back to my book until tomorrow...

Josh

5 months

Well I now have 5 months of sobriety under my belt!!!! That's the most I've had in a while. The beginning of it I was kicking and screaming, but it all counts even if I was in jail. I don't know if I am really gonna keep track of it that much this time though. I just don't want to fall off the wagon and be disappointed again. It is important for me though to keep my head up even if I do relapse just so I don't fall down the rabbit hole again. Today I spent a lot of time figuring out which treatment place to go to and have it narrowed down to a few. I now know I don't want to go to a faith based one. I don't need to deal with the whole hypocrisy thing again. On Monday I made an appointment with a psychologist to see how crazy I really am. ha more like to see what official label they give me. This time I am gonna treat the problem that I self medicate for not just the self medication part. I finally feel good about it again. For a while there I wasn't sure if I wanted sobriety or if I could even stay sober. I thought maybe I was just a fuck up and always gonna be a fuck up. But that's just the negative thinking. Now I know that I can do this and I will be on top. I guess the "normal" life idea always seemed boring to me but I think its what you make of it. I just need to stick to my healthy outlets so I've been playing music again and hope to get a band formed pretty quick here. Also been working out as well. Now that I think of it I always would drop those things either getting high or getting in a relationship. Women were kind of like a drug to me. I always expected them to make me feel better or give me some excitement but we all know that only lasts so long. Until I can get my head together I am staying single. I know that I have bitched about ex-girlfriends wronging me and all. But I made mistakes too. I'm not perfect maybe I drove them to do what they did. I don't know. Plus I usually dated girls with addiction problems of their own so I can understand that there's a lot going on with them selves on that front. well I guess until next time