inspiration

Hello all. I took a couple of days of the blog. Sometimes I draw a blank on what to write so instead of some boring entry I just figured I would wait a day or two so I could give you something interesting to read. Been doing OK. I overslept for my Dr. appt. today. Ugh like the 15th time I've done it. I forgot what time it was at so I figured I'd call in the morning when I woke up because I was 50% sure it was in the afternoon but alas it was in the morning at 8:30. So I rescheduled. My Dr. is a busy guy so he's usually pretty booked. Anyways I've been reading a new book. The title is "Scar Tissue" by Anthony Kiedis in case you don't know who he is he's the singer for The Red Hot Chili Peppers. I've been getting a lot of inspiration from his story. He's also a recovering addict from heroin. He was talking about his relapses and saying how each time he did have a slip it his addiction became worse. That's totally true. Before my first time in treatment I was pretty bad. Taking Oxy's everyday that I could and snorting coke as much as I could also. But when I ran out of money I was like shit can't afford it now oh well I guess I'll feel crappy for a few days. Then I went to treatment and did pretty good for a little while (like almost a year or so). Then I met a guy who could get Oxy's for a lot cheaper and I started up again. Plus this is where I was introduced to heroin. This time however when I was out of money I would start stealing things to get them. I also started pawning my shit so I could get them also. During this time no one really knew what I was doing. Because first off I start to withdraw when I use so if you notice me withdrawing (like when I stop doing my blog for a while) chances I am out there doing the dirt. I don't know if I would've stopped my roll had it not been the fact that I got caught forging those checks from my brothers business. In a way it was a blessing in disguise, it probably saved my life. It forced me to take a serious look at my life. It reinforced the fact that I was an addict. My using was out of control. The drugs were running my life and I was just along for the ride. I can't tell you how happy I am not to have to deal with the chase of getting drugs. I'd wake up in a panic just thinking how I was gonna score that day. I would call all my guys and see who had some shit I could get. A lot of times I had to go meet them in a shady part of town and hand them my money and wait for them to come back. I didn't really know these guys all that well. So I would be sitting in my car in the ghetto just waiting for them. I can't tell you how much that would stress me out. First off I would be going through withdrawals, then sitting in this part of town where at any minute someone could come up to me and car jack me or try and rob me (funny thing would be if they tried all my money was with my drug connect) and thirdly if they just took my money and run with it and go get high for themselves. I hating dealing this way. Usually they would be up charging me so they could get some. Or they would have the line when they came back of how the dealer ripped me off. I was too concentrated on getting my high then thinking about these guy's excuses. I got ripped off numerous times. A couple times I would have to deal with someone new and they took off with my money and I never saw them again. Oh that would hurt I would just get super angry and super anxious because I was that close to scoring but didn't and I just spent all my money on nothing. It's such a terrible cycle to be in. I finally got myself into an inpatient treatment my second time. It gave me the time to get a way from this scene for a while. Right before I went in I had robbed two dealers for some shit. So I really didn't want to be out there because they were probably hunting me down. I was withdrawing so bad and got so desperate for cash that my only option was to steal from the dealer themselves. I was so relieved to go to treatment. But six months out of treatment I was using again and it was worse. I began shooting dope in my arm. Its like damn didn't I learn my lesson already. I went through the same bullshit that I went through before. All the stuff I worked at getting back I pawned again. I started working for my brother again. Got friends back again. But like before they all deteriorated quickly. I thought I was being so slick thinking no one knew I was using again but they all knew. They know me and they know when I am not acting right that I am up to something. Towards the end of that relapse it just seemed like I wasn't getting high on the drugs. No matter how much I would use, I would not get that high. I got so frustrated. I had spent all my money and pawned my stuff for nothing? Damn but I still couldn't stop myself. Finally my P.O. got suspicious and violated me. I spent a couple months in jail. It sucked but it did pull me out of that pit. But this time I felt a lot of shame and guilt. I was too afraid to tell people that I had fallen again. They had just forgiven me and was glad I was sober. But here again I was using and losing all over again. Its really hard to get back up and brush yourself off. It's really draining. I just got to remember I am only human and I'm gonna fuck up now and then. I don't have to drag a relapse months along. The problem is when I start using again it temporarily fills that hole that I feel inside. And the next day when I wake up sober something just doesn't feel right and I had open that door again and off I go taking one slip off to a bender. Problem was when I got out of treatment I was so on a sober high (they call it a pink cloud in recover) that one bad day and I was off to the races. Now that I know that now when I have a bad day and start thinking about using I pick up the phone and call someone and talk about. Having a good sober network is very important to my recovery. So many people in the sober community are so nice and they will answer their phones 24 hours a day because they know how hard it is and understand. Even if its 3 in the morning and I am feeling like shit and just a step away from going out and finding something to get high on they want me to call. I've never had that in my life. Part of recovery is helping other people with theirs. There is a saying in aa/na. "you can only keep what you have by giving it away". I'm really trying to live by that. Helping others helps me stay charged up and it makes me accountable for my actions. I know it kinda seems like I got this licked and all. But to be honest I still struggle with things. I have grown a lot in the past year but I am only one really bad day away from a relapse. I'm not setting myself up for failure I am just being honest. I gotta be honest and reach out to people in order for me to stay sober. Thank you everyone who has given me support and their phone number and telling me to call anytime I need to talk. It means the world to me. It's exactly what I need. I hope that by me writing this I inspire you to better yourself too. There's plenty of things for anyone to take and institute in your daily life. Not just addicts. So once again if you are dealing with a chemical addiction problem please don't hesitate to contact me. I will not judge you or talk you down. No one has to continually suffer with there addictions. I know if I go into a relapse again it will only be worse. And using drugs will only take you to one of three places jails, institutions(treatment, hospitals), or death. The way I look at it is I've already been to 2 out of the 3 so the only other thing would be death. I want to live so that means I gotta stay sober. No more lying to myself. I've thought before that drinking a beer or smoking some weed that I would be fine. But the way I work is one beer leads to another beer leads to another beer and before I know it I've just polished off a 12 pack and now I am buzzed up and thinking about getting some blow or something to bring me back up. And weed well I know it will drain my motivation a way and I will be smoking it all day and everyday. I have to say no to everything. It does suck I am jealous of anyone that can do it and function but unfortunately I am not one of those people. Wow I've been writing for a while so until tomorrow......

Josh