Furthering the conquest

The only reason my postings have become sporadic lately is most of the time I log in and stare at the blank screen wondering what I should write. So instead of just boring you with my daily hum-drum I wait until I can write something of a little substance. I've found myself still stuck in a little funk. I feel I am up against the wall in a sense or I've hit a plateau. I'm waiting for that light to come on, something to happen to show me what to do next. I need to get moving on with things and this is where I always get stuck. I always get to this point where I am doing good with my sobriety and my depression and anxiety are under control, then I hit that stand still. It's hard to get myself motivated. Is it because I spent a lot of my motivation on being sober? Is it the ADHD? Is it my way of thinking that's been trained into me over the last 15 years or so? I can't quite figure it out. I know this is where I've got frustrated and relapsed before so I am being careful not to get too down especially around the holidays which usually get me down anyways. So at least I see some progress there. I went to the doctor yesterday to begin my ADHD treatment but she said I would have to see their psychiatrist for an analysis and they don't have an opening until April! She actually told me to put school off! I was like WTF? I've been putting it off too long. She said your 31 so you've lasted this long it doesn't seem like an emergency. I don't understand them. I mean a part of me thought that maybe she thought I was a drug seeker. ( A lot of people go around to different doctors to obtain pharmaceuticals to get high, by faking ailments.) She asked me why all of a sudden this was an issue for me. I explained that I just got the diagnoses and was thinking about it all and it made a lot of sense. Plus I haven't had health insurance for most of my adult life so I've never pursued the things that held me back. I talked to a therapist a long time ago about it but she was like it's just an anxiety problem (that was money well spent.) So that's what I've always thought . So there's not much I can do right now. Unfortunately that's the only place I can go with my insurance. I'm planning on switching to a better insurance as soon as they allow me which should be next month. I'll get it all figured out soon here. I just want to get the ADHD under control before I go back to school. Because I know that's what got me frustrated before when I had to quit after college after a year. It was mid semester and I started failing. I couldn't pay attention to lecture's, read the course material, or retain anything to help with the classes. I didn't understand it. My professors began to ask me what was wrong. I breezed through my first year with ease. I got all A's. I think this is why I went undiagnosed for most of my life. My mom always thought it was weird that I could get A's really easy. I sometimes can get them with out trying. (not to toot my own horn.) It's usually the courses that I already know or have a good understanding of. When it comes to the rest of them, I have the hardest time studying, listening to lectures, test, and well everything to do with it. No matter how hard I would try I couldn't retain anything from the class. When I would read a book, I would realize that I read through a few pages and I didn't know what I read. This became so bad that I didn't read books anymore. I think I went 10 years without reading a single book. Which was strange for me since I used to read book after book. I have changed that. Thanks to being in jail. In there you have nothing better to do. I struggled with the same issues but I can get through a book now. It's difficult for me, but as long as I can tune out everything around me I can actually get through it. I guess I've trained my brain a little bit. I do sometimes have to re-read pages though. I need absolute silence to read. I guess thinking about it as a kid I used to have to run a fan to tune out any noise while I read. Anyways that's a part of my struggle. I know I am making progress with everything, in fact I've gotten farther then I ever have, so I guess that's nothing to baulk at. It's that positive thinking that I forget about. I can't always gauge success the way society does, by dollars and cents. Through the drug problem I've been given the opportunity that not a lot of people get, I get to thoroughly get to know myself inside and out. And that's invaluable....

Josh