amends can be tough

Another decent day for me. Stori got me some kick as new shoes. And a cool smart wool sweater by accident. She ordered one for her dad but it ended up being too small for him. So I'm pretty styling right now. Anyways I've started doing my amends. It's not easy saying I'm sorry for shit that I'm pretty embarrassed about. Some of the friends I've had I haven't even talked to since whatever incident happened. Slowly I start to recall all these fucked up times and its hard a lot of the times coming to terms with what I did. It makes me wonder how I got so fucked up and why I had done some of the shit I've pulled. Its gonna take me a while. First I got to muster up the courage to reach out to these people and say I'm really sorry. Being fucked up on drugs Isn't really that solid of an excuse. I mean its partially true but at the same time I gotta hold myself accountable for the rotten things I did. My mind was so clouded and my thought process was so off. These are the things I really regret. Some of them are monetary things and I don't feel like I can make amends till I can pay them back. I also owe the bank and Wal-mart $6000 from the checks I forged. Luckily they covered the checks or my brothers business could of been shut down. I mean how fucked up is that? I stole from my own brother to feed my habit. That just shows you the nature of addiction. I really meant I would've stole from anybody to get my next fix. That's how much heroin will grip you and make you its bitch. I really felt like I lost all my morals. Now I know that it just clouded my thinking and I'm glad I no longer have to live like that. My brother has forgiven me. The hard part is forgiving myself. I never thought that I would ever be a "junkie" like that. It's so strange to think of it that way. But that's basically what my life had become. I was like a dog chasing my tail. All I could focus on was getting that tail (heroin). I'm sure it was really hard for my family and friends to watch. Cause there's nothing anyone could do about it but watch my life demise. It wasn't till I got to that old cliche. I just got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm just so grateful I caught myself and woke up before it got too late or before I did something so fucked up. I mean I could've and probably would've done something to fuck up the rest of my life. All for heroin. It's like this horrible girlfriend that I just couldn't get myself to walk away. I have suffered some consequences and I'll be dealing with the department of corrections for another 3 years (probation). So if I fuck up again I will end up in prison and I really don't want that. So I have to work hard everyday to stay straight. I constantly got to keep reminding myself what I have to lose every time I get a craving. Because I'm probably going to have cravings all my life. They get easier as time passes but their still there. I am getting better at shutting them down its just tough if I have a really bad day. My old habit was to go out and get fucked up so I wouldn't have to deal with it. But all that really does us delays it. I still have to face it at some time I just prefer now to deal with it right a way then its done. That's why I gotta keep myself motivated. That's partially why I write this blog everyday. Sometimes I gotta force myself to do it. Same thing with meetings. I am going tomorrow night no matter what. So thanks everybody for the support I need it.

Josh