Another good day

Hey everybody! I hope you all had a good day. Mine was pretty awesome. I went over to my friend Arver's to check out his new drum set. We jammed for a while and ended up recording a song. It was way cool. We've decided to start a band. We've talked about it for a while but now the time is right. I'm really gonna take a run at this. It's been one of my life goals to record an album and go on a tour. I know chances are it could go no where and I'm probably not gonna be a rock star, but I really don't care about that so much. We sound pretty good though and we probably could tour smaller clubs. It's a very nice outlet for me to have. It's the closest thing I can do to get "high". I can't explain it. When your jamming with someone and you both are right on and you just know when the changes are and everything. It's like a spiritual connection. The music just takes you both and its like your on a ride and you're not in control. Anyways enough about that sorry I'm really excited I've been trying to do this for years. I've gotten close but my using or someone Else's using got in the way. I know I can do this as long as I stay sober. I'm so grateful right now. My friend has saved me and let me stay with her and she's becoming my best friend. It's nice to have a place to stay that I know I am safe and no ones using around me. I've just been reading a lot of books lately. I'm reading running with scissors right now its pretty funny and an insight to someone Else's fucked up family. I read his other book called dry and it was about his journey into sobriety. He was a hardcore alcoholic and he started smoking crack. But he made it. I'm glad I wasn't a hardcore alcoholic. Its actually one of the harder drugs to get off of. Its one of the only drugs you can actually die from withdrawals. Weird huh? And its the legal one. Kind of backwards. Any ways my friend was asking me why did you do drugs like that? I started out just wanting to have a good time. I'm not gonna lie it does feel good. Heroin feels awesome I've never had a feeling like that before. I'm not glorifying it by any means. Just being honest. I started out just partying having fun and then I realized it really numbed me to the point where I had no worries or trouble, at least while I was on it. And over the years I have held on to a lot of resentments and hurt from girls cheating on me or my childhood or someone doing me wrong. I discovered if I got high I wouldn't think about it at all. It was the one place I could "hide". No one could hurt me there. It just felt really good. My mind would clear and I could just relax. I remember thinking at one time while I was with my girlfriend that if things went wrong heroin would be there for me. Heroin wouldn't cheat on me, lie to me, or anything else. And then I was hooked. Like I've said before once you're hooked its hard to quit. It grabs a hold of you and it doesn't let go. I feel like it took my soul from me. I lost my conscience. I no longer knew right from wrong. I was in a daze all the time. I was stealing from family and friends to keep myself high. It got to the point where not only would I do heroin I would do any drug I could get my hands on. Crack, Ecstasy, meth, cocaine, any pharmaceutical, hallucinogens, and anything that would change my mood. I was carrying so much baggage. Instead of facing my feelings of hurt I would just bury them deep inside and self medicate myself. I know I hate it I'm such a sensitive guy sometimes. What's wrong with me? I would always ask myself. I'm a dude I'm not supposed to have emotions. Sometimes I would wish I was one of those assholes who didn't have feelings. I wish I could have the ability to have things not effect me so much. Especially when it comes to women and relationships. When ever I would have a big fight or something wrong with my girlfriend that would be the time I would want to numb myself the most. I had this girlfriend cheat on me like 10 years ago and that's what kind of got this downward spiral started. I had left a girl to be with her. The girl I left was the best girlfriend I've ever had. So I was feeling so guilty about that. I carried that guilt for so long. I've apologized to her probably 1000 times. Its one of my biggest regrets. If I had met her now I would have totally married her. But since then I've dated the worst girls and they all have cheated on me and left me for dry. My last one cheated on me and I'm surprised I've held it together. Like I said before that was probably my worst relationship. She was dealing with sobriety, but she couldn't stop drinking. I just saw a good person there, but she left me high and dry. Now she just defriended me off of facebook. I feel like we're 14 years old. I told her I forgive her for cheating and everything but she just responded by unfriending me on facebook. I know if I hold a resentment it will just drag me down. All I can do is pray for her and hope she gets her life together. I just don't get how you can be that close to someone then just one day say fuck it and completely drop them out of your life. My last 6 girlfriends have done that to me. I don't understand it. I gotta pick better ones. I guess maybe since my life has been fucked up that's what I've attracted. Girls have been a big part of my problem and I finally realize it. I gotta be like Jay-Z I have 99 problems but a bitch ain't one. So I've decided to be celibate for a while and work on me. I have enough problems with myself right now. I can't deal with someone Else's. So for now I am concentrating on this blog and my band and very soon school. That should keep my hands full for a while. So my moral to this story is don't hang on to resentments. If someone did you wrong forgive them and move on because otherwise it will just drag you down. I'm so glad to be coming out of rock bottom cause it sucks. For a while I was scared that I had become complacent with my pile of shit. You know how if a dog shits in the room and you leave it and soon you don't notice it? That's where my life had been that last couple of years. I was in a pile of shit and I hadn't cleaned it up and I sat in it so long that I got used to it and it became normal to me. I was afraid that I would be stuck in it for the rest of my life. Thankfully my p.o. violated me when he did. I was knee deep again and I would've stayed there for a while. I wouldn't be writing this blog in fact I might have been doing nothing cause I could've been dead. So I'm here and I'm staying here. It gets better. One day at a time..........

Josh