Sunday, November 14, 2010

Lazy Sunday

Each day I wake up now I can feel that I am getting better. I'm not as anxious as I was when I first started my sobriety. I can actually sit down and read a book now. I am no longer pacing back and forth like I used to do a lot. I'm just trying to go through all my resentments and figure out how to get rid of them. A lot of them come from ex-girlfriends. I read this book the other day called loose girl and one called smashed. It made me go back and think about the relationships I had while I was deep into my using days. One talked about how the girl loved alcohol so much that whoever she was dating came second. And that made me really think crap you know what I had put drugs over my girlfriend a number of times. I think there for a while that my "one true love" was heroin or oxy's or whatever drug I was into at the time. It's easy for me to forget the wrongs I did and just concentrate on the things they had wronged me in. So I've realized lately that I probably did push them away. It doesn't give them an excuse for what they did, but I realize where I might have been a catalyst to it. As I go through these resentments I start to see that some of them I am to blame for it and I have no reason to resent this person. I have a lot of apologizing to do. I've been resentful at friends for just leaving me but now I can see that the type of person I had become why would they want to hang out with me? I'm starting to get some of these relationships back and it feels great. There are some people that I won't contact again but that's just because I can't hang out with them anymore. It may bring me back to using and its not worth it to me. I finally contacted my mother yesterday and that felt great. I am gonna go to thanksgiving this year for the first time in like 5 years. I really miss my family. We have grown distant in the last 10 years. There's 9 kids in my family and we've all grown apart over the years. Part of it was the fucked up childhood we had and part of it is everyone is starting their own family's and I imagine its tougher for them to get together. I just hope maybe that my treatment brings them all together. Sometimes it takes something like that for it to happen. I just don't want the next time we're all together to be at a funeral. And if I were to keep using they would be attending mine. It was really hard to contact my family since they all were there last year when I was in treatment. It took a while for me to not be full of shame that I was in another treatment, my second time in a year. But they all were happy that I was back and I was just having negative thoughts in my mind about it. I think I was just mad at myself. I had let myself down. It's easy to do. I just realize its very important for me to stay positive. I've learned a lot from my relapse and I feel like I can soak in more this time around. I know what area's I have to work on more. I see where I failed last time and am applying myself in those areas. I never took a personal inventory last time. I never went over my resentments last time. It is tough because a lot of these are buried deep down and I don't even think of them but their there. Its just identifying them and dealing with it. So that's where I am at today. I guess its time for me to read. I am reading about and advertising exec. who's company made him go to rehab. The title is "Dry" I'll let you know how it is......

Josh

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