Trying Day

Well I've had a bad day today after a string of good days. I tend to get in a bad mood when the holidays come around, but today I wasn't really focused on that. I just need to find a place to stay for a couple days and you'd think my family would be willing to accommodate me cause I haven't seen them in a while and considering on how far I've come in my recovery. I just sometimes wonder if my family even cares about me anymore. I'm not in a woe-is-me attitude at all, its what I truly think. I'd like to have a good relationship with my family. I'd like it if everyone wasn't so distant or so I hate to say it, selfish. I mean I know I've screwed up and lost some of their trust but its been like this for a while. Even before my self-destruction drug path that I chose to go down there for a while. I was talking to my mom last night and I was trying to figure out why not that many people were coming to thanksgiving and she just said that's how they are. She said my one brother doesn't like being around too many people. What the hell does that mean? It's as if we were inviting him to the Mall of America or a rock concert or something. It's just your brothers, your sister, mom, nieces, nephews, and a couple peoples significant others. It's not a bunch of strangers making him nervous. I don't understand that at all. Why can't he just say he doesn't feel like being around us? I don't understand it. We all used to get together and have a blast. Even my brother that's been feuding with my mom forever is coming. I thought it could be everyone together for the first time in like 10 years or something. It's really what makes me feel so down this time of year. I miss everybody. I just think what if someone dies and I don't want to regret not talking to them in years. Going through this sobriety is tough with support and I have no support from my family. Most of them have no idea what I'm even going through. I've started thinking about disowning my family, it's not out of a resentment thing, I just feel like its not a healthy thing for me to have. I always feel hurt when I talk to them or see them. I talked to my other brother tonight who usually works on the holiday so I asked him if I could come hang out for a couple of days so he and I wouldn't be alone for the holiday, but he said he couldn't afford it or his dog doesn't like strangers. I just stood in shock. Like what other b.s. do you want to tell me? Like I am gonna eat him out of house and home or something. Or his dog is gonna just viciously attack me or something. I've tried and tried again the last ten years to keep a close relationship to my family, always being the one to reach out and call and make sure they were ok and see how they were doing. No one calls me. No visits when I was in jail. They knew I was in this treatment place, not even a phone call. I would be the first one to visit them in jail or treatment. I would be by there side the whole time knowing that what they were facing was a very difficult time and they needed my support. I have friends that have been way more of a family to me more then they have ever been. Family has always been important to me but like my mom said you can't teach an old dog new tricks. But I come with the attitude that you can change. I mean if I had that attitude I would have long ago overdosed or been so deep in my addiction that I was a walking zombie. I just don't understand it. I have fucked up and maybe I'm an embarrassment to them I really don't know. I've apologized to them and that's all I can do. I just don't want it dragging me down anymore so I am gonna severe the ties because I think it is for my own good. It's not like there is a tie to severe anyways. Anyways sorry to ramble about that its just a huge issue I am dealing with. It has added to my depression and one of the reasons why I wanted to numb myself so badly. The thought of using has entered my mind today, but when that happens I always try and remember the bad times and the darkness that takes over my soul when I start using. I don't need that gorilla on my back anymore. Like they say in na one is too many and 1000 is not enough. Because if I do it once then I open that dark spirit in me and I can't stop myself. Going out and using would just awaken the beast within me. I would loose all the progress I've made of defeating my dark side. I did have some good times today when I jammed with my friend Arver. We have 3 songs so far and the music is definitely flowing out of me lately. All those bottled up bad feelings I have get released when I play and I lose my self in the music when I play. I forget about everything else. All I can hear is the music, all the other thoughts in my mind become lost in the sound that I am creating. Its such a beautiful thing. Any ways I really got to find a place to stay for the next couple of days. I really hope I can find one. Otherwise its off to the homeless shelter and that really sucks. I really can't wait to be working again. It's been a while since I've been financially stable. Yet another thing the drugs took away from me. I start to think how much money I've wasted on them and it makes me sick. I'd be in a really good spot if I had all that money. I have one month added up because I kept a record and I spent $20,000 that month on getting high and staying high. Isn't that ludicrous? It's amazing what kind of grip they have on you once you become addicted. I hope no one ever has to go through that. I've been to hell and back. And sometimes my body feels really old. From all the damage I put on it over the last 10 years. The last 2 years I am just amazed that I made it through. It's such an awful disease. It goes untreated for quite a while, and then once you figure you have it there's the whole denial phase. The fucked up thing is all I can say is I hope I never let go of my sobriety. Because you never know. It could come back and sneak up on me. Putting myself through that torture all over again. I really got to work my program a lot harder.

Safe travels to everyone on turkey day

Josh