Mind set

I guess today I am struggling a bit. The thought of me not making it keeps coming in my head. It's a battle and it's me vs. me. It's kind of strange having oneself be an enemy of thine self. It's not like I'm on the verge of using or anything, I guess its part of the fear I experience. I am very afraid of failure. Relapsing in itself is bad, but then you have to deal with all the feelings that come with it. Every time I have relapsed it's that much harder to get out of it. I start feeling ashamed and hypocritical. It's funny that way, I'm not really all that concerned with my own well being when I am out using. I am more worried about letting everyone down again. It sucks being in that position. It's so easy to lose people's trust and faith in you, but so much harder to get it back. I was going through that the last time I went to treatment, I was winning back every one's trust and they had a lot of faith in me to make it. But now since my last relapse its been different. I feel that some people are expecting me to fail. (I know fuck them, right?). The odds are stacked up against me, I think it's 8% of I.V. drug users end up recovering. I know I can be part of that 8%, its just these kind of days were I start doubting myself. It's definitely one hell of a roller coaster ride. I have been learning a lot about myself and been figuring out what I need to change. I'm sure it gets easier the more sober time I get under my belt. I think it's just retraining my brain on how to react to everything and I am not used to dealing with emotions. I know once I get a job and get back on my feet things will be better. I do have to figure out what my relapse triggers are. I know some of them but the problem with the other ones is they are underlying and I usually don't figure it out until after it happens. Don't be too worried about me I am just talking about this because I need to be honest about how I feel. Honesty is one thing that I really need to work on. I've been so good at lying the last few years I could just about convince myself that what ever I was lying about was true. I do need to find another sponsor since the one I had disappeared after I left the Salvation Army. I still can't believe that place and some of their rules. I dunno enough said about that. My knees are starting to really bother me and I will have to go in and see if I need surgery. Part of it is I am afraid cause I know they will prescribe me pain killers when I do get it done and I don't really want to be sucked down that hole again. My doctor said that he would monitor me during that time so I shouldn't have much to worry about. Anyways, I hope that none of you decide to take drugs to the level that I did. It's not worth it.

Josh