Josh
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Finding myself
Hey everybody. Today was an OK day. I've been reading in the big book (basically the addicts bible sort of) and I've focused on the morning and night prayer that's on page 86. I'm not really that much into god per say but I am trying to establish a spiritual connection. I need a higher power. Its not that I don't believe in god, I've just been turned off from the whole christian thing. It was force fed to me by my mother growing up and I've been made to go to these really fucked up churches. Ones that just talked about giving money every time you walked in the door. Why does a pastor need a private jet, brand new Cadillacs every six months, a huge mansion, or Armani suits? I don't think its right to profit off of peoples belief in god. It's taking advantage of peoples faith. That or all the hypocrisy you see in there day in and day out. I know everyone is human and falls short of the glory of god. But people in leadership are supposed to be held to a higher standard. I know I shouldn't let stupid people get in my way of a relationship with god. But I also feel that there's been so many times I've prayed to god for this or that and never gotten a response. People always tell me I just need to seek him out but I've done that time and time again. I'll figure it out one day but for now my meetings I attend are my higher power til I can figure that shit out. Anyways the prayer in the big book basically says "Did I have any resentments today? Is there anything I need to apologize for? Has I honest today? Could I have done something better? " Its a good way to finish the day off with. Sort of a self reflection more then a prayer. There are so many things that I do wrong everyday and its hard to change that behavior since I've been doing it so long. I just am finding out a lot of character defects that I never really thought that I have. Like I've been pretty good at lying to people and being manipulative. I guess sometimes I can be an asshole. I've never noticed that before. Its like the more I take my personal inventory the more things that I notice to add to my list of ways to improve. It's mot gonna be overnight, so I have to remind myself that so I don't get frustrated. Getting sober was just part of the battle. I now am clear headed enough to notice all these using behaviors. Another one I deal with is my laziness and my procrastination. Like tonight I wasn't really in the mood to write in my blog I just got to stick with it because these blogs help me a lot. They make me think of things differently cause when you write it down, a lot of things you think differently about cause you can see it and review it. Plus it kind of holds me to some accountability. I don't want to write about something that's completely untrue so when I'm caught doing it I won't feel like a hypocrite. Plus its really beneficial for me to be completely honest. we have a saying in recovery "To thine own self be true". I've been so good at lying that I can almost convince myself that something is real and true when in reality it wasn't. Sometimes I start to think man I don't want to tell people about that it would be embarrassing. But I don't really care. I am doing this recovery thing so I no longer have to hide from myself. Plus it helps a lot to get feed back from all you guys. From now on I am gonna wear my heart on my sleeves. For too long I was always afraid to be me. Afraid someone wouldn't like me or someone wouldn't approve of me. Honesty is really the best policy. Lying about shit or lying to myself just brought me to a dark place that I never want to visit again. I hope you guys enjoy this blog and get something out of it because really who wouldn't benefit from asking yourself what could you have done better today? Is there anything I need to apologize for? Was I honest today? Was I resentful at anyone today? I really hope I inspire change in your life too. Don't get me wrong I have plenty of days where I fuck up and I will probably have plenty more. I try and stop myself when I start getting mad or resentful. I've started to analyze the situation and figure out if its even worth being angry or resentful. My filter is back in my mind and the more I use it there better I get. Also lately I've been working out again. Its hard to stay on track with it but when I do work out I feel great. Its just staying out of my lazy tendencies other wise it will drag me down. I have been lazy about attending meetings lately but I am gonna change that starting tomorrow. Meetings are great. I mean sometimes they can be depressing hearing other peoples problems, but you know its just someone needing to be honest and needing someone to listen. Shit I do it sometimes and its great to have someone come up to you after group and give you advice on how to handle whatever is bothering me. Plus it's nice to meet other people in sobriety. Yet another thing I need to work on is being more outgoing at the meetings cause I need to meet other like minded people so I can have some good sober friends. I'm not used to having good friends I can hang out with. I've had some but I've lost contact or they got fed up with me because of my using. I'm slowly getting some of those back but there are a few to go. I'm still a little new to this so I am learning everyday. Well its getting late and I am getting tired so off to bed for me. I hope you all have a wonderful day
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