starting life all over again

So today I was thinking "man I am like 31 going on 18." again. Man you'd think at 31 I would be in my career, starting a family, and planning retirement. But since I let my addiction problems drag me to rock bottom, I am basically starting over again. I had my life together before it had happened. When I was 22 I had my life in a good place. I drove new cars, made good money, and spent it wisely (to some degree). But slowly I became unhappy with life and started losing one thing after another. The thing that hurt the most was pawing all my musical gear. I had amassed quite a collection there for a while. It took me a few years of working hard to get. And I lost it all in 5 minutes. Sold it all way too cheap. And I have nothing to show for it. That's just a sample of stuff I lost. Not to mention getting kicked out of apartment after apartment because I couldn't pay my rent on time or pay it at all. Every month my cell phone would get shut off and the only reason I even paid it was so I could get a hold of my dealers. By the end of this last summer all I had left was my car and a few clothes. There were quite a few nights where I had to sleep in my car cause I had no where to stay. Nothing sucks more then calling all these people you thought were your friends and all of them turning you down from sleeping on their couch and they all knew I didn't have any where to go. It hit me one night as I was trying to get comfortable in my little Toyota Camry. Man I didn't have any good friends I could rely on. Man I was so hurt. I would've easily offered them my couch if the situation was flipped around they wouldn't even of had to ask me. That night, as I kept tossing and turning and trying to adjust my seat so my knees wouldn't hit the steering wheel, I realized that I was hitting rock bottom again. In fact I barely got out of it the first time. To top it off I had a little bit of the withdrawals. So I really didn't sleep that night. I knew right then and there that I had lost any meaningful friendship that I had. I had to dump all these using "friends" I suppose if I had called them saying I had a bunch of drugs they would've gladly offered me their couch. Anyways I thought well at least I had my car. But on June 10th of this year that changed when I got arrested. I wrote about it in one of my earlier blogs so I won't repeat myself. So that left me with losing every possession that I had. The only thing I had left to lose was my life. I knew I didn't want to lose that so I started to reconsider everything. I mean its easy for me to get down thinking that I am behind everybody I know. Most people are well on their way at 31. But I got to remember to be grateful. A good friend of my friend Stori died recently at the age of 28 from the same drugs I had been doing for years now. That could have easily been me. I had taken scary amounts of them. There was many a nights I was scared to fall asleep cause I was so high I was afraid that I never would wake up. I remember one night at work I had taken four 80 mg Oxycontin's after I had a few beers and I got scary high. I had to get some coke just cause I thought my heart was gonna stop beating. So I remind myself I am grateful to be alive. In a way its kind of exciting cause I get a fresh start and I can be whatever I want now. At least I'm not 31 and stuck in some dead end job hating life. I guess now that I think about it I don't really regret anything I did (except when I hurt someone) because its taught me so much. Its opened my eyes in life and I never would be thinking the way I am now. I'm finally looking at "Life's my oyster" I can do whatever I put my mind to. It kind of sucks I had to learn it the hard way but I'm glad I did. I don't want to do it again and I don't want anyone else to do it. But I've learned so much and it has matured me a lot. So when you start feeling down think about what you have to be grateful for. You'll find your mood changing for the better.

Keep your head up It'll get better

Josh