Holiday joy time

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. I decided to not go to the family's and hung out by myself. But don't feel sorry for me. I chose to do it that way. I actually prefer it that way believe it or not. I wanted to skip the whole song and dance number with the fam. Why pretend we're a close family for a day then go about our separate lives for the rest of the year. I found that if I go to someone else's Thanksgiving I just get depressed at seeing a functional family the whole time wishing mine was like that. Although I don't know what I would do with myself if we did get that close all of a sudden. So I had a nice relaxing day just watching movies and stuff. I did get to eat some turkey so that was cool. For a spilt second I entertained the idea of getting high again. But then I started to think about the whole chase thing and the nightmare of the cycle. Which brings me back to the whole dog chasing its tail thing. I mean its a rush in itself to go get the drugs. And the anticipation before the first hit or shot is an electrifying experience of its own. But its all about the first hit. Its like your the dog and with the first hit you get a Little nibble on your tail and the whole time after that your just chasing it. Its such insanity. Doing the same action but expecting a different result. That's all the addiction is... insanity. Plus I know if I did get high one time is too many and 1000 would never be enough. Once I get high I just want to stay high. That monster would wake up inside of me and its hard for me to stop once I start. I am so glad I broke that cycle. I feel a lot different then when I went to treatment the first time. I got the sober high when I got out of treatment the first time. Life felt really good there for a minute, but then I forgot about life and it slapped me in the face and I realized that just being sober isn't the answer. It's figuring out what made me want to use in the first place and dealing with those issues is what the answer is. I'm not gonna lie being sober is kind of boring a lot of times. And I still can hate life sometimes but getting high I hate it that much more. I've been thinking about my earlier years and can see where I kind of checked out way before I was using. I was a depressed kid growing up. I remember wanting any escape I could to get out of the house and away from my crazy mom. I was thinking of what a terror I must have been to other kids parents when I would stay at their houses. I was like a caged animal all of a sudden set free for a bit and I would probably get so hyper and crazy. I probably had a lot of pent up feelings and they would all get released for a bit and I know I had to drive them crazy for a bit. I always wondered why I sometimes never got invited back to peoples houses but now I can understand. I didn't know how to handle the freedom so I would just try and do everything that I wasn't allowed to do so I'd take it to the extreme. I heard one friends parents say to my mom that they've never heard a kid with such a potty mouth before. (Of course that came from a pastor so, I kind of wonder what they considered a potty mouth) Kind of makes me laugh now. I just remember being so bummed out stuck in the house with this crazy women who only let me do things that related to the church. I remember one time we were at Target and I wanted a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figure sooooo bad. I think one of my sister's dates gave me $20 to try and impress my sis. (I thought hey sis this could be a good gig for me keep bringing these chumps home and I'll act like an innocent quite kid and they can keep giving me money...) anyways I was begging my mom to get it (I mean who the hell has to do that when they are a kid if it was my own money) and she must have been in some kind of a better mood and she let me get it as long as she could baptize it when we got home. (I know fucking hilarious huh?) You see my mother thought that a lot of T.V. and music that was not christian had like subliminal messages in them that were either satanic or telling kids to get on drugs. Little did she know that I would get up super early and sneak cartoons and when she was gone I would watch all kinds of T.V. Miami Vice, He-man(which my mom thought was super satanic), MTV, The A-Team, Transformers,etc..... My mom would get home from shopping or whatever and the first thing she would do is feel the T.V. to see how warm it was. The warmer it was the more trouble I got in cause she knew I was probably watching these shows. But little did she know that my older brothers taught me a trick that if I took out the ice cream tub out of the freezer and set it on the T.V. it would keep it cool and she'd never know. Ha ha crazy right? I had to learn to sneak a lot of things to fool my mom. I remember one time she would occasionally go through my room when I wasn't home and she found some cassette tapes I hid in my socks and boy did I get in trouble. Funny thing was it was U2 and they were kind of christian back in the day. Crazy thing was is my sister could listen to whatever she wanted to and pretty much do whatever she wanted to. I guess it's an advantage to be the only girl in a family of 8 boys. Another thing I remember is my mom hated video games so my brothers had a crawl space in their room so we snuck a T.V. in there and they got a Nintendo. She never found that one we kept it for a year then they came up with a plan to "give" it to me for Christmas cause my mom would feel too guilty that they spent so much on a gift for me that she wouldn't want to disappoint me that bad. (I know we were some scheming fucks huh? We had to be) And of course she went out and bought me some crappy bible games for me to play on it. We would switch labels on the games so she would think we were always playing the bible games. Anyways this story is getting kind of long so I will hold you in suspense until tomorrow. I am going somewhere with this story. I just thought I would give you an insight to my family life.

Josh