Monday, November 15, 2010

Writing this blog.

Alright I am gonna do another entry today. I am reading this book and in it his friend went out on a relapse. It just got me thinking about my relapse. Relapse is dangerous for me because usually when I do it I go on a big bender and its hard for me to come back. Heroin is a drug you can't really start and just stop. I go through really bad withdrawals where I feel like I have a really bad flu for two weeks and my body sweats and I can't sit still or sleep it amplifies my anxiety by 100. The only thing I can think about it using more to feel better. This summer it got really bad. I remember getting a bunch of dope and doing some and getting upset because I wasn't really that high. So I kept doing more and more. I am lucky to be a live. I remember actually crying because it seemed like I couldn't get high. My tolarence is like that of an elephant. I got to the point where I had to take potentially lethal doses to get high. I remember the last day this summer that I got high. I shot up and then had to go give my girlfriend a ride. It was June 10th. On the ride I got hit by a guy running a red light. I got arrested because I had a warrant. I was so high going into jail. I stayed in for a while and I went through withdrawals in jail. I can remember being so depressed that I was planning on killing myself in jail. I had it all planned out. I was gonna hang myself in the cell right after they did their check. I never had the balls to do it. But thats how serious this is for me. Its just gonna lead me to death and an early one at that. So please if you or someone you know has a chemical addiction have them read this and message me. I will try my hardest to tell them my story and hopefully give them some insight. There is a better way to live. No one needs to suffer the horrors of addiction. Oh and thank you everyone for your prayers and support. I still need it I still have bad days. I am still not out of the woods yet. I will be an addict for the rest of my life. I still have dreams about using, where I wake up panicked thinking I relapsed. I am grateful to be sober today and I hope tomorrow will be the same.

Josh

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