Another year passes

Well I was reading some of my back entries from a year ago, I was so glad to see 2009 gone with all the crap that happened. But now I am looking back at 2010 thinking the same thing. It almost was crazier for me in 2010. Somewhere along the line there, I had lost the spark from my treatment that I had gone to last fall. I once again had fallen down that pit of depression and again found myself not taking care of myself or my shit. Getting in that relationship was not the healthiest thing for me to do. My focus got way off. I tend to loose myself in relationships. I get too focused on it and forget about the rest of life. But I think this last one changed me. I don't feel like I'll ever loose myself like that again. In fact I think I am gonna be a lot tougher and it's making me put up a wall, a safety net for my feelings. I am so sick of breakups. I hate falling to pieces emotionally, it always takes me a while to get back together. I don't even know why I am even thinking about it, well probably from reflecting back on the year. I started this blog a year ago to document my year in recovery. I guess I saw myself as being in a different place then I am now. It's really frustrating. I haven't been that inspired lately for writing in my blog. I am not on the verge of relapsing or anything like that. I just have that feeling of being stuck. I know I am not, I just don't understand why I am not moving forward. I guess it gets daunting thinking about all the hoops I gotta jump through to get to where I want to be. I'm an addict you know and I always want that instant satisfaction. But to get to where I want to be its kind of a rough ride still. I do get these spurts every now and then but I get irritated because there always seems to be a road block of some kind in the way. I mean I've at least figured out what's wrong with me but haven't been able to get treatment yet because of the crappy insurance I am on. I forget to be grateful for the insurance that I do have I mean I've gone forever with out it, but it's all the bull shit red tape and bueachracy that you have to go through. If this is a sample of what public health care is gonna be about then I don't know if it will be worth the headache. How can Sweden and all these other European countries get it down, but us Americans can't? The only thing I can think of is Greed. America does have some pretty Greedy bastards in charge. That just gets so frustrating. It's more about $ then about the people. I really hate money. I mean its great to have but it truly is the root of all evil. Sorry kind of went off on a tangent there. All I can say is recovery really is tough. I just keep hoping its gonna be worth it. At least I do have my musical outlet, getting songs together is tough, but it's what I love to do. Hopefully this band can get somewhere. I don't care to be a rock star but it would be great to make a living at it. Speaking of that I got to get a job soon. I just really hope the whole felony thing doesn't hinder me. I've been applying around so I hope I hear back on something. So I am gonna do the typical New Years resolutions, just hope to stick with em more then a month. Anyways I am gonna go do my work out. If I don't post before new years I wish you all a happy one and may all your dreams come true.

Josh