search for spirituality

One of my biggest struggles in my sobriety is finding my spirituality. I grew up in a very religious household so you would think that it wouldn't be that hard for me. But since my mother was way over zealous with Christianity it really has turned me off from it. I mean to the degree she had taken it, it consumed her whole life. The churches I grew up going to it seemed like you had to dedicate your whole life to the faith. I feel like my mom missed out on so much of life, my childhood was a blur for me and I think since my mom was so enthralled with the "faith" that she missed out on a lot of my childhood. It was always follow this or your going to hell. Anything that didn't have anything to deal with the church I was not allowed to do. I couldn't hang out with anyone that didn't go to our church. That was such a drag for me. Not only was I in this new town (Amery) which was way smaller then Minneapolis, which meant it had way less people. It just made me even more socially awkward because I wasn't allowed to hang out with a lot of the friends I had made at school. T.V., music, people, and well anything not related to the church was evil according to my mom's "faith". Sounds almost like a cult huh? Fuck that sucked growing up with all that. I had to go to church at least 3 times a week. Twice on Sunday and on Wednesday nights. Plus if there was some traveling preacher in town we would have to go to those as well. As soon as I got old enough to think on my own, I just felt like this was so fake. I dunno I could never grasp it. It just seemed strange to me to have God put us on this earth and almost everything was forbidden and the whole focus on life was to only do things God would approve of. It just seemed like what was the point of being here if all you want was to go to heaven? I can remember when I was really young, like around 5 or so, there was a tornado heading towards our house and my mom made us all go to the basement but she was staying upstairs so God could take her to heaven. That's just one example, there were many times she would do stuff like that. It was so twisted I was telling my mom to come to the basement because the house was shaking, I thought the tornado was gonna suck the house up with my mom. I remember crying thinking she was gonna die and leave me alone and that's what she actually wanted. How could I ever embrace this religion? I am not saying God doesn't exist or Christianity is wrong, I have no idea. Everyone from different religions are so devoted and are very faithful in the fact that their way is the way to heaven. I just don't want to not enjoy life while I just wait for the after life. It doesn't seem like a thing that God would want. I mean is it Allah, Muhammad, Buddha, or who? I've started reading up on some eastern philosophy and it has peaked my interest. The reason I am struggling with this is they say in order to obtain complete sobriety that you need to have a good spiritual base. I've always kind of embraced the idea of a power greater then myself. I can look around at the world in amazement and think how couldn't there be? The sky, tree's coming back in spring, the ocean, the wind, miracles that happen everyday. I just don't know how this ties myself into the scheme of things. I don't even know if there is an after life or if we are reincarnated. No one does. I just haven't gotten passionate with any faith. Some people get so crazy zealous, religion has started wars for Pete's sake. I want a spiritual connection. I want to be better grounded with humanity and all the world has to offer. When I play music I can feel something spiritual happening sometimes, I get that spine tingling feeling, you know the goose bumps. Certain things trigger it so I know something exists out there. Just how to I become more in tune with it? I don't even really know what I seek out? I guess that's why they call it faith but what faith is it? I guess I don't really have to define it because I believe we all can have God in our own way. I do pray sometimes but I don't know if it's more beneficial to talk to a chair. Sometimes it is peaceful to pray about something because you can get it off your chest, but is there anyone/thing listening? I tend to think more logically sometimes and almost need proof to believe in anything. But spirituality is way beyond that. It requires a much stronger belief in the unknown. I just haven't quite got it down yet. I like the ideal of it, that it cleanses your soul and forgives your sins, which I regrettably have a few of those. It would be nice to clear my conscience. That's another part in where I struggle. Forgiving myself....I'll save that for another day...

Josh