the story continues again

So anyways my dad ended up staying in the hospital for nearly a year. During this time my mom was extremely miserable and it seemed as if she wanted everyone else to be miserable too. I wasn't allowed outside the house or anything while she was a way at the hospital. I remember one time I was outside shooting hoops in the driveway with my two younger brothers and she came home and was furious. She screamed at me all the way into the house. While I understand she was going through a lot but we all were. This is when I think started my depression. I am in a new town but I'm not allowed to hang out with anyone. I never really felt like I fit in, in Amery. I think it was partially because of my Mom's control. It was so depressing being around that house with everything going on. You don't know how badly I wanted to run a way from there. I started packing my things one day, keep in mind I am 13 I think, my mom was yet again screaming at me for basically being a kid. I was gonna go to one of my older brothers and live there. She threatened to send me to a farm where they would make me work night and day. I felt stuck. Then one day I came home from school and I had to go to the bathroom really badly but the doors were locked and my mom wasn't home. I remember being so pissed by the time she got home, I think I waited an hour or so. My moms friend was there also which I thought was kind of odd, but all I could think about was going to the bathroom. I remember kind of yelling at my mom and she was strangely quite. I heard her friend tell her to give me a minute. I went in the house and went to the bathroom, when I came out they were in the kitchen. Right then I knew what she was gonna tell me. My father had died. I was just in shock. I remember just being numb. I didn't know what to think. It's news that I hope no 13 year old boy would never have to hear. About a year later I had found out that my dad just didn't die, my mom had the plug pulled. The doctor's wanted a family meeting first but some pastor thought it would be better for us to not see it. This bothered me for years. All of us kids resented her for this. I know I would've liked to say good bye and tell him I loved him one more time. I finally got the courage to confront my mom about this a few years ago. She apologized and said she was under a lot of stress. I can understand that but it still was pretty selfish. I am getting mixed emotions right now as I write this. It's hard for me sometimes. I know she is my mom and all. I know she did as good of a job raising me as she could have, but I dunno. I haven't talked about a lot of stuff that happened. I keep it buried down deep. My mother has apologized to me for the way she handled everything. Don't get me wrong I don't hate her, I wasn't molested or anything. There was emotional abuse and she hit me a couple of times that I thought went beyond discipline. Sometimes I wish I could just forget about that whole period of my life. Just thinking about it now opens up some old wounds. She had gotten remarried a year after my fathers death. I clashed heads badly with this guy. He had a big anger problem and my mom only made it worse. He never hit me or anything, but my mom made it seem like it a few times. I remember me and my younger brother threatening him that if he ever hurt my mom......All this made the already tough time of puberty even tougher. I hate high school. But it was mostly because of what happened at home not really high school itself. It made me really introverted and anti-social. Which isn't me at all. I ended up moving out of the house before I graduated. It just got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and I had to leave. My friends mom let me move into their basement so I could graduate from Amery. The crazy thing is I never partied during high school. My mom always thought that I was up to no good, but I was actually a pretty decent kid. I started to party after leaving high school. I soon discovered alcohol made me forget about everything and it numbed me to the point where I could feel somewhat normal. I drank for a few years and slowly started experimenting with drugs. I think I've gone over that before in this blog. I just didn't think I had a problem till I started using oxy's and then eventually heroin. I have talked my my mother a few times about things. I guess there's more that I probably should talk to her about and just bury the hatchet. I know she is sorry and she's changed a lot the last few years. I do have some what of a relationship with her now. I guess I hadn't thought much about all this till now when I was writing it out. There is a bunch of things that I have buried deep inside that I need to deal with still. That whole story that I told you is called your first step. Its where you talk about what led up to your chemical abuse so you know what to deal with. After all that you add in some girlfriends that cheated on me and boom there you have it my first step. Once again I am not blaming anyone for my addictions, nor do I want anyone to feel sorry for me. Where I made my mistakes was not dealing with all this in a healthy way. I just wanted it to go a way. I know I had a fucked up childhood and all but I could have done things a better way. Now that I think about it, it's strange how your subconsciousness works. It's not like I sit around thinking about this stuff (I mean really not at all) but I can see where it affects my behaviors. The character defect I am working on lately is my anger. It's hard to get me angry but once I get there I am there. It's from when I was a kid I would keep it in and hope it would go away and then I would explode one day when it got to be too much. I think it's because I am afraid to be angry. After dealing with my mothers growing up I could see how ugly it would get with her and I can see that some how that's how I learned to do that. I now see how impressionable kids can be. I am so glad I don't have any right now. I wouldn't want to bring them up with that and have to go through what I've gone through. I guess this addiction thing has really woken me up and its made me analyze every flaw I have. It's kind of a blessing in disguise I would maybe never have seen these defects in myself had I not had to because of my treatment. So now its up to me to work on myself and become a better me. Alright I am feeling pretty drained writing all this.

Until tomorrow,

Josh