Another year in Chaos

Well I really didn't keep up with my blog at all. I totally lost myself again in this past year. I jumped right back in to rock bottom and stayed there for a while. I spent most of this summer in jail or on restriction at treatment. I think when I stopped writing in this blog I had pawned my laptop and got some dope. My addiction got worse in the last year. I began shooting heroin in my arm. Thinking about it now really freaks me out. I took my usage to an extreme. I know if I continued doing that I would end up dead. I don't want to go out that way at all. I feel like I have some reason to be here in life. It's just figuring out what that reason is. I feel like I have a destiny to help people change their lives and live a fulfilling life. Maybe it's my experience through recovery or something. I just don't know yet. Anyways I have to stick to one day at a time. I got derailed off of my recovery. Thinking back about it I can now see what had happened. I started dating the same kind of girl I always seem attracted to. It was very chaotic and unhealthy. I should've pulled myself out of it but I always have a hard time doing that. I tried sticking to commitment and working on it but there was no hope for that to happen because we all know it takes 2 to do that. I think my problem in relationships to women stems back to my childhood with my crazy mother. I think deep down psychologically I like to be treated bad by women. I don't like to speak badly about anyone so I won't talk bad about this person. Some of it was my fault for letting it happen and not getting away from it sooner. Part of it too was she was trying to go through recovery but she could not stay sober. It dragged me down and I started using again. I tend to put too much faith into people and believe they will change but I get let down a lot. I should have learned my lesson. It was probably the worst relationship I've ever been in. I should have walked away sooner but I didn't. I guess I didn't want another failure. I'm tired of having failures. But because of that stubbornness I started to fail at my recovery. I should have received my 1 year sobriety token a couple of months ago. But I didn't I fell off the wagon. It was another dark year for me. I began using drugs intravenously, which is the most dangerous way to use. Every time you use that way you are knocking on deaths door. You have no idea what is mixed in with the drugs by greedy drug dealers who are trying to stretch the drugs out to make the most money. I didn't care. I lost my will to live. I wasn't suicidal but in a way I was. I was really tired of life, my life. It didn't matter to me if I lived or not. I lost all joy. My soul was gone. I was on a dark path that I had no idea where it lead nor did I care. Looking back now that path was leading to death. I was on track for a long suicide ride I guess. I really don't know how to explain it any other way. I can't believe I took it to that extreme to numb myself. I had stopped going to meetings, stopped talking to my friends and my support network. It's been hard to come out of it. I have lost connections with friends and family because of some dumb shit I did while I was using. Because I didn't care how I got the drugs. I would steal or lie to anybody to get them. I've wrecked a lot of relationships because of it and I really hope I can get them back. I hope I can get my life back on track. I really disappointed myself and took it really hard. But the important thing is I am doing the right things now. I can honestly say I am sober today. And hopefully tomorrow as well. So for now I sign off with that........

Peace,

Josh