holiday stressing times

Well I hope everyone had a happy holiday. It was another Christmas for me not being with my family. We really haven't all been together for years now. There is always some feud going on between people. It just makes me sad. At least this year I kept it together and stayed sober. I did have a good Christmas eve though. I spent it with a really good friend of mine. That was nice. Well New Year's is coming up and that will be a little different celebrating then I'm used to. No big plans yet. I may just relax indoors and watch a movie or something. Maybe I'll get lucky and have someone special to kiss at midnight. (ha wishful thinking) I miss that so much. I dated the perfect woman when I was 20. She was so awesome and it was true love. Just at the time I didn't realize it and was stupid. I wanted to see "what else was out there" and you know what just a bunch of shit out there. I just wonder if I'll ever find someone like that ever again. There isn't a day that goes by that I think about her. If I could go back in time I would do things way different. I know now she has forgiven me and everything. I never meant to break her heart. It tears me up. What if that was my one chance at real love? Alright I gotta stay positive. I mean women are the last thing on my plate as I've said before just I dunno maybe my clock is ticking or something. I just need to keep my head straight and quit falling for the wrong type of girls. I guess now that I'm not in the bars and stuff it should be easier. Anyways I'm kind of glad Christmas is over. Everyone seems so stressed out from the holidays. Everyone goes rushing around to put on some big show for everyone. Why is it just one day a year we get our loved ones things? Why not just celebrate on your own day or something? I guess it is a good excuse to spoil someone. I'm not against Christmas or anything its just been a while since I've had a good one. This time of year just reminds me of how fragile life really is. I mean anyone at any given time could just die for whatever reason. Life is way to short to be angry or feud with anyone I just don't get it. Can't say I haven't been guilty of that but I'm trying hard to change myself. It's easy to get stuck in a rut but its time to get out of it. I'm pretty happy 2009 is over with. Not that the new year won't have its tribulations and all but it just feels like starting with a clean plate. So to everyone out there happy holidays!!!

holidays merry times

Well Christmas is upon almost upon us. I've really withdrawn myself the last week or two. Currently I do not have a permanent place to live which sucks a lot. My friend I was staying with just took off for Christmas and now I am stuck at a coffee shop waiting for someone to call me back. I guess I don't mind sitting in a coffee shop so much. Just hope I don't have to be here too long. I haven't gone Christmas shopping yet but, I really don't have any gifts to buy. I love giving gifts but I skipped the family drawing because they always fight over who gives better gifts and who's trying to show off or not. It kind of recked the Christmas experience for me at least with my family. Anyways I guess this is a harder time for me to stay sober. As I've mentioned before I really start thinking about my father this time of year and it just makes me sad. We had a tradition where my dad would read the Christmas story out of the bible before we opened presents. I really missed that even though when I was a kid I wanted him to not do it so I could open presents right away. i guess what really bums me out about the whole thing is I'll never get to talk to him about life, about how to handle certain things, ask him about his life, and such. My dad is a mystery for me. Dying at 13 years old for me, I never got to talk to him about a lot of stuff you know. At that age you don't have a serious conversation. Oh well its important I stay on the up and up. So Merry Christmas Everyone! This is gonna be my first sober holiday season in a long time and that includes New years!! Gotta stay strong

sobriety in society

Well another day chalked up to being sober hooray. I'm pretty surprised I've held it together this long. I'm almost at 5 months! It hasn't been easy. I guess I've said that probably a million times. I have so much shit going on but I'm refusing to crack under pressure. I sobbed my eye balls out last night and it felt great. I really needed the release. Oh how I wish I had my drums set up right now. Music was always a huge release for me, even when I was using. It's the one thing where I can loose myself and forget about everything. It's such a spiritual thing for me. It's so hard to explain unless you've done it before. Well hopefully I'll get a job soon and be able to afford a practice studio again and get a band together again. Any ways my health insurance from the state has finally been approved! Which is great I've been dealing with a tooth ache for some time now. I still haven't found a sponsor in N.A. yet. (A sponsor is someone you call and work out your shit while your in sobriety they help you through the 12 steps, I'll get into those later.) I really need to get one bad. I think I need to check out some more meetings because I haven't found anyone that I think I would like to do it yet. I just want to get moving on this. I need to push a little harder then I have been I guess. It just gets so hard to when you have nothing much to do. Laziness just creeps in and gets a hold of you and sooner or later you've realized a few days have gone by and you haven't done a whole lot. Quiting smoking is a lot harder then I thought. Oh well soon I promise. Its such a waste of money. Not to mention the whole health factor. Still a little bummed over that chick but thinking clearer now. I just wonder if I'm ever gonna meet "the one" I know its the last thing on my plate right now, but its winter and its fun to cuddle and watch movies. Someday....First things first gotta work on me.....any ways talk to you soon

another day on the calander

Hello all, well I guess I am not even sure if anyone is reading this or not. But at least it's another form of a journal for me. I do keep a separate one which I write all my super personal stuff I wouldn't want anyone reading. Well any ways I've been noticing my addictive behavior coming out in other ways. I am drinking a lot of soda and coffee. It's almost non stop all day. I was smoking a ton of cigarettes a day but have cut back. Yes my ultimate goal is to quit which I plan on doing really soon. I've guess I've said that since I sobered up but just haven't gotten around to it yet. Your not supposed to put too much pressure on your self while you're in early recovery so you don't slip up. Also lately I quit taking the sleeping pills they prescribed me so I've been staying up all not and sleeping till 2 p.m. or so. I just hope one of these jobs call that I've been applying to. Got my meeting with the school admissions office on Tuesday so I'm excited about that. I still feel withdrawn a little bit. Part of me wants to move across the country some where. It's not the grass is greener on the other side thing. It's just I'm young and have nothing tying me down here and I'd like to experience something different. Plus these cold winters are getting a little old. But if I'm gonna realistically do this I have to stay sober for a year and save up some dough so we'll see what happens. It's 5:30 am as I write this and I kind of wish I was asleep. I was hanging out with this person a lot and we'd stay up all night watching movies and talking and shit. But she turned out to be a way different person then I thought she was. It sucks I did think she was pretty cool and I had a lot of fun with her. I don't exactly know what happened or how it changed. I guess I had to rely on her a little too much and put too much pressure on her or something. Oh well I've got the memories of the good times. No sense in getting all bummed out like I used to all the time. It's just so odd to have that kind of connection with someone then just see it fizz out fast like that. I dunno. Anyways I'm gonna try and get some shut eye. Later Tator....

1 day at a time

Hello again. I was starting to think about sobriety today and we have this saying in our groups "One day at a time". We all keep track of our sober days but what it really boils down to is just today. Everyday is a chance for failure for me when it comes down to my addiction. There isn't a cure for it. I'm gonna be stuck with it for everyday of my life. Everyday I way up I gotta remind myself to stay sober. Every time I turn a corner there's gonna be something to upset me and threaten my recovery but I just gotta remember not to slip down that hole again. I've gotten better with my coping skills. Before I just wanted to escape everything and try to forget about it but now I tend to just deal with it. I mean what can be so bad? I haven't lost a wife, children, a house, or my life. Everything I've lost I can get back. I just know if I keep going down that road I will end up losing those things. I've signed up for school and will be attending January 4th. I'm real excited. I've decided to finish my computer geek degree. I've been applying for jobs like crazy and shits kinda looking up. I did enter a relationship for a little bit but realized that person would never care for me the way I wanted and I think it was a huge mistake anyways. Like Jay-z once said "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one". I'm gonna through that into my repertoire right now. I still am working on myself I don't need to inherit anyone else's shit right now. This could've thrown me back into using again. Relationships have always been the biggest stressor for me. I hate heart break. I just need to learn to pick the right girls. I gotta get out of the pursuing chaos like I've always done. Right now all that matters is getting my life back on track. For today I will remain sober......

things

Hello all. I'm just gonna do a short little rant today. I've just always felt down about doing the right thing. I miss the rush. I miss the chase. I think I really like the chaos. I don't exactly know why I fell this way but that's how I've felt. Probably one of the reasons why I was an addict. You don't have to worry about me though. I'm just being honest with how I feel. It's not all the time I feel like that but a lot of the time. I guess when I feel that way I tend to withdraw a little from people so please don't take to much offense if I don't return your phone calls or emails right away. Probably just meant I had a bad day or something. I still have a ways to go I guess when it comes to my personal growth. I appreciate all of my friends and family who have been so supportive during this time for me. And all I can ask is that you continue to be so. I'm trying my hardest not to withdraw so much. Just some days are better then others. Probably the same with your life. It just seems that I never do anything anymore with friends that I've hung out with in the past. I'm not talking about user friends. I just wish I had more stuff to do. I've been applying for a bunch of jobs so lets hope one calls me back. Lord knows I need the dough. well until next time......

More sober house things

I spent a little over a month and a half at the house. I slowly got used to the rules and 20 some roommates and it became part of my life for a bit. Looking back now it was such a short time but then it did seem like a while. As soon as I decided to enter sobriety it almost seemed like time stood still for a while. I think it was because I was so faded all the time that the days would go in a blur. Now that I've adjusted it's pretty normal again. I can't believe its below 0 degrees right now. What happened to summer? Oh yeah I was in treatment. Back to the house. It took a while to get down all their little rules. No coffee between 8:30 am-9:30 am (yeah don't ask, I got in trouble for questioning that one) no showers between that time either (Yep got in trouble for that one two a couple times-ignorance is bliss correct?) no t.v. after midnight, no cell phones in the house, and no reclining on the reclining couches(yeah really didn't get that either). I accidentally used one guys bleach for my dishes one day and never seen a man get that upset over 3 cents worth of bleach. I offered him a dollar but he refused. He could of bought a whole new bottle. He then brought it up at the house meeting in the morning. I immediately got up and threw the dollar at him to everybodys surprise (don't mess with me before I've had my coffee!). He didn't talk to me for most of the remaining time there but, I was fine with that he obviously had mental problems. He did tell me once that he had stabbed a guy with a pair of siccors and I did not want to succumb to the same fate so I treated him fairly nicely after that whole incident but we really didn't interact after that. I think he was really embarrassed to because all the guys were on my side and most of them being broke they almost all dove after that dollar I threw. It was like watching starving wild dogs sitting in a field mouths watering as I'm dangling a nice juicy steak in front of them. Any ways we had to do Breathalyzers a lot and if we left for a weekend pass a u.a. was done too. I never went on a weekend pass. I tried for my birthday but they figured I was gonna go party (which was not the case) but they've dealt with it all so they always expect you're up to no good. I had doctor checkup's too. They u.a. me every time I go in. In fact as I type this I am getting ready to go in to the doctor for a checkup. Well I guess that's what I have for you today I bid you along your day.......

musings

Hello...I guess I am gonna get off track a little bit. Why? Cause its my blog that's why. I have been pretty unhappy lately. Just so many things going wrong. It just seems like any thing that can go wrong does go wrong. I am job hunting, house hunting, and dealing with new relationships that change on a daily basis. That's life I guess. I was just hoping in sober life things would be a lot better. I know I just have to work on things. I'm trying to put more effort in. Its Christmas season and I really dislike it. It reminds me of the last Christmas I saw my dad. It was the only time I had seen him out of the hospital fairly normal. I guess it was kind of a Christmas miracle. He was a vegetable and came out of it for Christmas. He stayed with us at home for a week then he went back into the hospital. He went right back into the vegetable state and two months later he was gone. Plus add up all the family drama over gift giving and it really took out the Christmas spirit for me. I'm sure I'll get it back some day. I know for a fact I'll get my ducks in a row and get back on my feet. I'm going back to school but, I'm still struggling with what I want to do with the rest of my life. I'm thirty now and need to do something. Hopefully it will at least be fulfilling. I'll leave with this question Why in today's society do people take love so lightly? Its almost like a material item that people are so quick to toss away..........later

sober home fun time

Hello everyone. I think my last entry was real lack-luster. My head was in a million places at once which has happened a lot these last few months. It has been some of the weirdest months of my life really. So much change with a lot going on. It seems like a snow ball that keeps rolling down the hill. Things keep gaining momentum and more is added on the way. I guess that's the best analogy I can give you. I just never know when the snow ball is gonna smack into a tree or what. Living in the sober house just really put me in spot where I never thought I would be. Living with 20 some other addicts all in different walks of life just really put it in to perspective. I gained a lot of insight from the older residents. And hopefully shared some light to the younger ones. We had this outside area with a canopy and a picnic table. It was out back. We called it the smoking area cause that's where we were allowed to smoke and hang out. We weren't allowed out front because it was a really nice neighborhood with tons of really nice houses. It was one of the richer neighborhoods in St. Paul. I don't think the neighbors wanted to see us riff-raff hanging out front. I could understand. A lot of the guys would just cat call at the women jogging by and who wants that? I guess it was a little humiliating but truth is there were a lot of guys there that would have been a nuisance to the neighborhood. I snuck out front as much as I could. There were a lot of different types at the house. Some guys were court ordered to be there and most of them had no intention at staying sober. Some were there to try and salvage their rotting marriage. And some were there like me. Just wanting to get more out of life and willing to change themselves to better their world. I tended to hang out with the ones more like me. You get to know everyone and know who to hang out with. It could get real draining some times listening to everybody talk about this or that. I did develop some friendships that I know will last a while. Some of the staff were pretty cool. Mostly the guys that worked at night. They'd always offer an ear when you needed to talk, There was also a big volley ball court outside and we played a ton of volley ball. We had to get up at 7 am and bed time was midnight. For the first 3 days I couldn't leave the premises then I got a 9:30 curfew for 2 weeks then midnight after that. You had to gain their trust to get privileges. It wasn't bad living there. I just thought of it as summer camp for adults. Just dealing with all these guys you can only imagine what would go on. A lot of us were real fragile and emotionally drained from being so hard on our body and minds for so long. A lot of guys had been here before and told me not to end up like them. It was hard for me at 30 and just thinking of doing this at 50 oh god. I did spend my 30th birthday there. It sucked a little bit celebrating it with all these guys instead of people I know and cherish. But for some reason I knew this is where I wanted to be. Maybe I would have partied my ass off and od'ed otherwise. I spent my birthday night bowling and it was kind of fun. I was the first birthday for me in a while where I could remember the whole night. And yes it was nice not to wake up to a hangover. It was hard sleeping with 3 other snoring guys in the room though. A lot of nights I would sleep with my ipod in my ear. I'm sure the guys complained just as much about me. They were nice enough guys though and I couldn't of asked for better roommates. Most people in the house were pretty respectful. Every now and then something would end up missing (I only lost a shaver the whole time I was there, I mean a shaver though? Isn't that like stealing someones tooth brush or something?) Anyways I feel a little scrambled today and I'll leave you with that.

Beginings at the sober house

Hello sorry I've been offline for a few days and remembered I've left you hanging on the edge of your chairs. (ha ha) Anyways on with my story. Leaving the hospital, I felt excitement to be entering the world again yet also fear because I was entering the same cruel world again. My thoughts were racing can I do this? Can I be in the real world and stay sober? A sinking feeling of sadness began to slowly creep to me. I was realizing I could no longer hang out with the same people I have known for quite some time. I had to find new spots to hang out at. I had to figure out almost how to change my entire life. I hit the outside door and took a fresh breath of air in. I immediately had a craving for a cigarette. I wasn't allowed any at the hospital, however they did provide me with all the nicotine gum I could chew. They did offer the patch but I left one on one night and had the craziest dreams. Kind of fun but waking up in a panic because I was getting chased by predator was not. My brothers had dropped off my car for me. I sat down behind the wheel. It felt really odd to be in my car again. I had no idea why. It had only been 10 days since I last drove my car, but it all seemed so strange for me. I drove towards the house. I was really nervous. Was everyone gonna be cool? What the heck am I doing? I was about to have 20 roommates. As I arrived at the house, I noticed how large it was. It was a mansion. I entered the doorway and walked inside. It was quite nice. I had to go to the office and fill out some paperwork then was escorted to the kitchen. I arrived just at dinner time. It almost felt like high school all over again. I felt like I was entering the lunch line with my tray in hand. Then I had to figure out who I was gonna sit by and all that. Everyone was super cool. They were filling me in on all the rules. I had to do dishes once a week, make my bed everyday, clean one of 6 bathrooms everyday, attend an 8 a.m. meditation, house meeting on Monday night, an in-house meeting on either Tuesday or Thursday night, use my cell phone outside, and so many more. Nothing I couldn't handle I thought. They then gave me a key to my room and I went to check it out. I had 3 other roommates. They all seemed cool except for one younger kid. He kept asking me where I got my drugs and how fun they were etc...Of course I didn't tell him anything. I really didn't understand what he was doing at a sober house until he filled me in that it was court ordered. I really don't get that. Why force someone to do something they don't want to do? You really have to want recovery. I mean sure if you make some people go a select few will probably change their minds. Just having someone like that around kind of ruins it for the rest of us who really want it. Yet I began to think how young he was and remembered you couldn't of told me then what to do, so I cut him some slack. Sorry I'm kind of brain dead at the moment so I will continue this later....I've had a rough week and its hard to stay focused. I really have to remember to look at the positives because the negativity can drag you down

Short Blurp

I've had a few people asking me. Why are you doing this? How can you put yourself out there like this? Aren't you worried people are gonna read this about you? Well the answer is quite simple. Probably for most of my life I've been running from myself. I was afraid to be me. But now I realize where that got me-deep down in some pit of self-pity, self loathing, angry, and well just pretty unhappy. I got tired of being tired. (to borrow a cliche from a.a., don't worry I really dislike cliche's and promise to keep it to a minimum.) I just couldn't go on with that anymore. I no longer am afraid of being me. I don't want to hide in that pit anymore. By putting it all out there, it has helped me grow considerably. I am a lot happier. A burden has been lifted that had been weighing me down for years. I can't say I've found the answer to my complete happiness, but I believe I am on the right path, there's a lot more work to do for me ahead.....

My Time at Impatient

So the story continues. As soon as I heard them say "We'll admit you for treatment now and worry about the rule 25 later" my gut tightening up. I felt a rush of anxiety flow through my body. I had taken an Oxy before I got there, instantly my buzz was gone. This is what I was fearing yet anticipating all week long. But all of a sudden it was real. I was really going through with this. All of a sudden my mind began racing. What the hell am I doing? I just wanted to say wait a second let me have another cigarette, I need to say "goodbye" to my friends, and most of all I wanted to shout "Get me the hell out of here!" But I didn't resist as they placed me into a wheel chair and began to wheel me towards "The third floor" (The third floor is what they call the drug treatment area, well duh it's on the third floor). We got in the elevator, the metal doors clanked shut, and I knew there's no backing out now. When we got off on the third floor we arrived at two thick security doors. The nurse pressed the intercom button and said "Joshua Johnson is here". I heard the load buzz from the lock unlocking and in I went. They let me jump out of the wheel chair and I walked down the long hallway . I passed a couple of the patients wearing hospital garb, locking eyes with them. One older gentlemen nodded is head like "welcome to the club son" and a lady maybe in her 40's cheerily said "Hi my name is Anne I am the floor leader. Welcome let me show you around and if you have any questions feel free to ask." We passed the huge nurses station the main brain of the operation. The rooms were in a circular pattern around the main brain. There were probably six nurses and two doctors on staff. I was then shown my room. I had a roommate I'll name him "John" (I'm using fake names I don't want to rat anyone out because anonymity is one of our deals) He seemed like a cool guy. Most everyone was wearing normal street clothes. I was kind of relieved I didn't really want to wear the hospital stuff. Then I just realized I didn't have anything but the clothes on my back. Oh well I'd have my bro bring me my clothes. The head nurse approached and confiscated my cell phone not before she let me retrieve some phone numbers off of it. The fear slowly subsided as I got to meet everyone. They were all so nice. I figured everyone would be crabby from the withdrawals but I'm sure they were all medded up. Ha the magical world of pharmaceuticals. I wondered when they would let me in to my feel good pills. Well from there I met the doctor to discuss my medication program. I elected to go with suboxone again. This doctor filled me in on everything with it including the taper down program so I wouldn't go through the withdrawals again. Unlike the other doctor I tried a couple years earlier I trusted this one. I then entered the group session and a way I went. Over the next ten days (yes 10 days that's all Ramsey County would give me) I went through a schedule of groups, a.a. and n.a. meetings, and different counselor visits. Groups were ok everyone just goes around and talks about different topics. It was kind of interesting to hear other peoples stories and ideas. So from all this we learned about relapse triggers, health aspects, mental aspects, relationships, and probably a few more things I forgot. Family's came to visit on Sundays. My mother and brothers came both Sundays. It was pretty humbling having them see me in that state but it was really nice to get candy and pop. Plus fun to see them. I probably gained 20 pounds from the hospital food. It was decent we got to pick what we wanted from a menu. So towards the end they had me go on visits to see sober houses so I could pick one to move to for 3 months. I visited a couple. One was just trash and the other wasn't much better. They had told me of a nicer one but they told me they probably wouldn't accept me. I tried anyways and they accepted me. They packaged the meds I was on and off I went to the sober house.....to be continued tommorrow

In-patient treatment and what brought me there

Alright it's time to catch you all up on how exactly I brought myself into treatment. A couple of years ago I messed around with opiates and I went through the bad withdrawals. Most of you will never know the complete horror of opiate withdrawal and thank god believe me. I wouldn't want to put my worst enemy through those. Symptoms of opiate withdrawal are agitation, anxiety, muscle aches, increased tearing, runny nose, insomnia, sweating, and if you get it bad it includes diarrhea, vomiting, and nausea. Its basically like having a bad flu but you can't sleep for 2 weeks. You feel so bad you wish you were dead. The only way to get rid of it is to take more. That's why these are so addictive and why it drives people to desperate measures. Anyways I went through a little out-patient program at the time with a private Dr. He prescribed me this newer wonder drug named suboxone. It takes care of the withdrawals and makes you feel better. What he didn't tell me is that it's just another form of opiate and it's just as addictive. I took it for a few months and just always had an uneasy feeling about him. I ran out of suboxone for a week and I started withdrawals all over again. It was terrible. It blindsided me because I thought I was over all that. So I lasted through it for 2 weeks and stopped seeing that Dr. I then resumed my life. But this past summer I met a guy who had a good connection. I could get the Oxycontin a lot cheaper then I had got them before. I forgot about all the terrible withdrawals, the cost of the drug, and the toll it took on my personal life. So before I knew it I was totally addicted all over again. But this time I couldn't stop taking them. I had a lot going wrong in life that piled up higher and I just wanted to escape even more. I ended up doing some really dumb stuff (of which I will not tell at this time do to the fact that I am still dealing with it in court). I ended up losing my job of course and the problems just kept piling higher and higher. All I wanted to do was escape. It just got to the point where I didn't care what drug it was I just wanted to get high and forget life as much as I could. I was so faded all the time. My mind was just in a fog. I forgot what feelings were. I forgot what life really was. I was so bankrupt physically, mentally, and spiritually. I was pretty much a dead man walking. I felt like I was on a road to no where with a break in the road with a huge valley down below and there was road on the other side but no bridge. I had no idea how or if I would ever get to the other side. I was at the end of my rope. I just couldn't go on living this way. Waking up all my thoughts were: How was I gonna get high?, Where can I score some stuff?, If I don't have enough money for drugs can I at least get drunk? I had lost control. Drugs and Alcohol had taken the wheel and were steering my life to where I had no idea. All these feelings I had buried deep down inside were all of a sudden just exploding out. I knew this had to stop. I had to change. I then looked on the Internet for treatment options. I decided to call the county and request a rule 25. A rule 25 is funding from the state for one to enter a drug and alcohol treatment program. I called and made their soonest available appointment. I called my brother Andrew, who is my younger brother, and he agreed to pick me up and take me. I needed support. I was scared to death about all this. Bringing him I knew I wouldn't back out of it. It was very humbling to tell my family "Hey I think I am a drug addict." But they all understood and have been more then supportive which helps a lot. At the appointment they asked me all kinds of questions relating to my usage of drugs and alcohol. My brother then went in to verify my usage (I really don't get that part of it who would lie and fake to go to treatment? It really isn't that fun.) They then told me it could take a week or so to get approved. Then my stomach sank. I had dosed out my drugs to get me to that appointment thinking that I would go in that day. I had to wait a week? Oh crap here comes the withdrawals all over again. I lasted 3 days until I couldn't take it anymore. I called and set up a deal. Problem was I had no money. I robbed the dealer for a couple pills. (Yes it wasn't that great of an idea. But what were they gonna do call the cop's and tell them I stole their drugs?) I got so high that night but I felt really guilty. This is what I was trying to stop. Withdrawals brought me to my knees and here I was again doing some stupid crap. I called the hospital the next day and they told me I could come to the e.r. so they could give me something to tie me over. My brother picked me up the next day and brought me in to the e.r. They took a Urine analysts, some other tests, and they agreed to let me in to in-patient treatment early. They said let's worry about the rule 25 later. Oh thank god......to be continued tomorrow

The begining of addiction

Well hello again. Today I think I will fill you in on my back story on how I arrived at this cross road in my life. I've struggled for years with myself on whether or not I had a problem with drugs and alcohol. I grew up in a large family 9 kids, 7 brothers and 1 sister. We grew up in north Minneapolis, in a rough neighbor hood. When I hit the 6th grade my parents grew tired of all the violence on our block and decided to move us to Amery, WI. A small town of 2,000 people or so. It sucked a little bit leaving all my friends behind and going to a way different social setting. Right after we moved my father began to have trouble with heart disease and his health deteriorated fast. He was in and out of the hospital and he died a year later. All of this was a result of his alcoholism and addictions he struggled with for all his life. I've struggled with the loss of my father and probably will for the rest of my life. I was young and naive. I never thought of the reality of life and death and it kind of slapped me in the face. It threw me in a deep dark depression that effected me through the already tough time of puberty. Any ways on with my story. I had my first beer at 16. I can still remember the taste as that lemon flavored yellow belly beer hit my lips. The carbonation tingled in my mouth and my heart began to beat a little faster. In the back of my mind I was thinking how rebellious this act was adding a rush of adrenaline. All the while acting cool to my friends despite the foul flavor of it. I acted like a champion swigging it down in no time. Luckily we had to leave or otherwise I probably would of had another. I can remember that buzz. I know one beer? I was a scrawny kid. The temporary bliss it seemed to give me but yet that guilty feeling of my conscious I knew I was opening the door to something wrong. I had my first cigarette around that time too. I had stolen a pack from the local drug store. I remember coughing up my lungs but the whole time I thought I was pretty cool. Yet despite that I was a pretty good kid I went through High school without ever going to a party or drinking again. Although my mom always thought I was up to no good probably from her experience of my older brothers who partied a lot during their High School years. I graduated High School in 1998 with dreams of a big life. I decided to take a year off and work. I got a job at Target and got an apartment with a friend and began independent living. I made it to 19 years old then I moved back to Minneapolis and got a job at a restaurant and it was there that I met some people and where my partying began. I remember the first party I went to. It was a reggae party. I decided after a couple of captain and cokes that it would be a good Idea to polish off the bottle. I got pretty wasted pretty fast and my inhibitions were out the window. I remember standing in a group of people and getting passed my first blunt. It was my first experience with drugs but I really was to drunk to feel the marijuana. Not much later i began puking and passed out. When I had come to in the morning I noticed I had puked on myself during the middle of the night. I was lucky I didn't choke to death. After that party it was off to the races with me. Every weekend my friends and I would drink and party. As I look back now I can see I had a problem right from the get go. I was always the one drinking the most and doing the dumbest sh$t. I never knew when to stop when I started I can't tell you how many times I blacked out. I loved the buzz, the scene, my new "friends", and the bliss it gave me. It was an outlet for me. I would forget about all my problems and let loose. It seemed so fun. The hangovers sucked but they weren't bad enough for me to stop. Heck one beer in the morning and the hangover was gone and I was drunk again. But the more I partied the less frequent the hangovers and then pretty soon I would wake up without them. It got to the point where I would wake up go to work then go party. During this time I started smoking pot at 21 I loved the feeling of getting stoned. Felt like I was floating in a world where there were no problems and I would just kick back put on a record and smoke my brains out. I met some people and got a good connection and began selling pot. I thought it was so cool. The rush of doing something illegal and thought I was pretty popular. Everyone wanted to be my friend cause I had the good pot and I always had it. I sold pot for a couple years and did pretty good. It was during that time that I got introduced to cocaine. I remember the first couple of times I stayed away from it. I had a certain fear inside of me that I knew it would be bad if I tried it. But one night I got drunk and was around some friends and I hooked them up with some and was drunk enough to throw my inhibitions aside and snorted a good fat line up my nose. God what a rush it gave me. I felt like superman a huge rush of energy flowing through every part of my body and talking a mile a minute. I think that was the exact point of where I threw out all of my inhibitions and wasn't afraid of anything. So over the next few years I began to experiment with all kinds of drugs. Mushrooms, Ecstasy, speed, meth, crack, nitrous, heroin, and pharmaceuticals. Pretty much anything imaginable I got high on it. Add in some crappy girlfriends and I was a mess. I continued down that path for a few years. All the while I was slowly escaping more and more from life. Drugs were a big escape for me. I no longer had to feel emotions. I was running from hurt. From failed relationships, to the death of my father, and my own life. Yep that's right I was running away from me. I always battled myself with my addictions. I always thought I could control it. Stop when I wanted to and start again when I wanted to. I guess I didn't realize the depth of it until I started using opiates on a daily basis. Opiates are a drug that give you such a strong feeling of euphoria. They include vicoden, percocet, Tylenol 3, codeine, Oxycontin, morphine, and heroine among others. I started out small on Tylenol 3's then slowly worked up the chain to Oxycontin and finally heroin. But the thing about opiates is they are highly addictive and the withdrawal is terrible. I couldn't go a day without them. It got to the point that in order for me to get out of bed I had to have them. After 2 years of feeling like that I grew tired of it. Nothing before had taken a hold of me like that. I spent thousands and thousands of dollars on opiates. It became all that I thought of. I lost so many friends and relationships because of them. I spent all of my money on them. I pawned so many things in order to stay high. They made me feel so good. Nothing could hurt me or bother me when I was high on oxy's or heroin. I became an emotionless being. But they slowly took a toll on me. Pretty soon all those emotions I was running from began to beckon me. I missed feeling things. I missed happiness and sadness and all those emotions in between. I couldn't even sleep unless I was high on them. I totally withdrew from life and I wanted it to stop before it became too late. That's why I entered treatment and decided to put a fork in my road and head the other way. Through it all, over 10 years of my life, I missed being me the most.............

First Entry

Hello everyone. Let me start off by introducing myself. My name Is Joshua Johnson and I am 30 years old and I am a recovering drug addict. I have decided to blog my progress in my first year of sobriety. I hope it will help people gain insight into the world of recovery either to help those who are struggling with their addictions or for those who have a close one struggling with addiction to help you understand what that person is going through. Oh and to help myself as well. Sometimes one doesn't notice their progress until someone points it out or until I write it down and look back at where I've been and compare it to where I am. So far I have 90 days or so of sobriety and feel a lot better in ways and in other ways my life is still the same. But it is a lot better It's just not green pastures and bluebirds on my shoulder like treatment centers make you believe when you start. I think the purpose of that is to give you hope even if it's a false hope in a time that you really need any kind of hope to go on. My first day of treatment was one of high anxiety, the fear of change, and a time of desperation. Walking in the stale hospital air and seeing sparks in fellow addicts eyes of which those same eyes just a month before had a blank stare and wondering if I had the same look, I started my journey on this new road of my life. One of which has had it's many ups and downs but I finally have a new found hope in life and I hope you'll hop on board and follow my journey into the world of sobriety. So over the course of the year to come you'll get an intimate look into my life and into my recovery so sit down, buckle up, and read the pamphlet on your oxygen mask we may be in for some turbulence