Another year passes

Well I was reading some of my back entries from a year ago, I was so glad to see 2009 gone with all the crap that happened. But now I am looking back at 2010 thinking the same thing. It almost was crazier for me in 2010. Somewhere along the line there, I had lost the spark from my treatment that I had gone to last fall. I once again had fallen down that pit of depression and again found myself not taking care of myself or my shit. Getting in that relationship was not the healthiest thing for me to do. My focus got way off. I tend to loose myself in relationships. I get too focused on it and forget about the rest of life. But I think this last one changed me. I don't feel like I'll ever loose myself like that again. In fact I think I am gonna be a lot tougher and it's making me put up a wall, a safety net for my feelings. I am so sick of breakups. I hate falling to pieces emotionally, it always takes me a while to get back together. I don't even know why I am even thinking about it, well probably from reflecting back on the year. I started this blog a year ago to document my year in recovery. I guess I saw myself as being in a different place then I am now. It's really frustrating. I haven't been that inspired lately for writing in my blog. I am not on the verge of relapsing or anything like that. I just have that feeling of being stuck. I know I am not, I just don't understand why I am not moving forward. I guess it gets daunting thinking about all the hoops I gotta jump through to get to where I want to be. I'm an addict you know and I always want that instant satisfaction. But to get to where I want to be its kind of a rough ride still. I do get these spurts every now and then but I get irritated because there always seems to be a road block of some kind in the way. I mean I've at least figured out what's wrong with me but haven't been able to get treatment yet because of the crappy insurance I am on. I forget to be grateful for the insurance that I do have I mean I've gone forever with out it, but it's all the bull shit red tape and bueachracy that you have to go through. If this is a sample of what public health care is gonna be about then I don't know if it will be worth the headache. How can Sweden and all these other European countries get it down, but us Americans can't? The only thing I can think of is Greed. America does have some pretty Greedy bastards in charge. That just gets so frustrating. It's more about $ then about the people. I really hate money. I mean its great to have but it truly is the root of all evil. Sorry kind of went off on a tangent there. All I can say is recovery really is tough. I just keep hoping its gonna be worth it. At least I do have my musical outlet, getting songs together is tough, but it's what I love to do. Hopefully this band can get somewhere. I don't care to be a rock star but it would be great to make a living at it. Speaking of that I got to get a job soon. I just really hope the whole felony thing doesn't hinder me. I've been applying around so I hope I hear back on something. So I am gonna do the typical New Years resolutions, just hope to stick with em more then a month. Anyways I am gonna go do my work out. If I don't post before new years I wish you all a happy one and may all your dreams come true.

Josh

search for spirituality

One of my biggest struggles in my sobriety is finding my spirituality. I grew up in a very religious household so you would think that it wouldn't be that hard for me. But since my mother was way over zealous with Christianity it really has turned me off from it. I mean to the degree she had taken it, it consumed her whole life. The churches I grew up going to it seemed like you had to dedicate your whole life to the faith. I feel like my mom missed out on so much of life, my childhood was a blur for me and I think since my mom was so enthralled with the "faith" that she missed out on a lot of my childhood. It was always follow this or your going to hell. Anything that didn't have anything to deal with the church I was not allowed to do. I couldn't hang out with anyone that didn't go to our church. That was such a drag for me. Not only was I in this new town (Amery) which was way smaller then Minneapolis, which meant it had way less people. It just made me even more socially awkward because I wasn't allowed to hang out with a lot of the friends I had made at school. T.V., music, people, and well anything not related to the church was evil according to my mom's "faith". Sounds almost like a cult huh? Fuck that sucked growing up with all that. I had to go to church at least 3 times a week. Twice on Sunday and on Wednesday nights. Plus if there was some traveling preacher in town we would have to go to those as well. As soon as I got old enough to think on my own, I just felt like this was so fake. I dunno I could never grasp it. It just seemed strange to me to have God put us on this earth and almost everything was forbidden and the whole focus on life was to only do things God would approve of. It just seemed like what was the point of being here if all you want was to go to heaven? I can remember when I was really young, like around 5 or so, there was a tornado heading towards our house and my mom made us all go to the basement but she was staying upstairs so God could take her to heaven. That's just one example, there were many times she would do stuff like that. It was so twisted I was telling my mom to come to the basement because the house was shaking, I thought the tornado was gonna suck the house up with my mom. I remember crying thinking she was gonna die and leave me alone and that's what she actually wanted. How could I ever embrace this religion? I am not saying God doesn't exist or Christianity is wrong, I have no idea. Everyone from different religions are so devoted and are very faithful in the fact that their way is the way to heaven. I just don't want to not enjoy life while I just wait for the after life. It doesn't seem like a thing that God would want. I mean is it Allah, Muhammad, Buddha, or who? I've started reading up on some eastern philosophy and it has peaked my interest. The reason I am struggling with this is they say in order to obtain complete sobriety that you need to have a good spiritual base. I've always kind of embraced the idea of a power greater then myself. I can look around at the world in amazement and think how couldn't there be? The sky, tree's coming back in spring, the ocean, the wind, miracles that happen everyday. I just don't know how this ties myself into the scheme of things. I don't even know if there is an after life or if we are reincarnated. No one does. I just haven't gotten passionate with any faith. Some people get so crazy zealous, religion has started wars for Pete's sake. I want a spiritual connection. I want to be better grounded with humanity and all the world has to offer. When I play music I can feel something spiritual happening sometimes, I get that spine tingling feeling, you know the goose bumps. Certain things trigger it so I know something exists out there. Just how to I become more in tune with it? I don't even really know what I seek out? I guess that's why they call it faith but what faith is it? I guess I don't really have to define it because I believe we all can have God in our own way. I do pray sometimes but I don't know if it's more beneficial to talk to a chair. Sometimes it is peaceful to pray about something because you can get it off your chest, but is there anyone/thing listening? I tend to think more logically sometimes and almost need proof to believe in anything. But spirituality is way beyond that. It requires a much stronger belief in the unknown. I just haven't quite got it down yet. I like the ideal of it, that it cleanses your soul and forgives your sins, which I regrettably have a few of those. It would be nice to clear my conscience. That's another part in where I struggle. Forgiving myself....I'll save that for another day...

Josh

Furthering the conquest

The only reason my postings have become sporadic lately is most of the time I log in and stare at the blank screen wondering what I should write. So instead of just boring you with my daily hum-drum I wait until I can write something of a little substance. I've found myself still stuck in a little funk. I feel I am up against the wall in a sense or I've hit a plateau. I'm waiting for that light to come on, something to happen to show me what to do next. I need to get moving on with things and this is where I always get stuck. I always get to this point where I am doing good with my sobriety and my depression and anxiety are under control, then I hit that stand still. It's hard to get myself motivated. Is it because I spent a lot of my motivation on being sober? Is it the ADHD? Is it my way of thinking that's been trained into me over the last 15 years or so? I can't quite figure it out. I know this is where I've got frustrated and relapsed before so I am being careful not to get too down especially around the holidays which usually get me down anyways. So at least I see some progress there. I went to the doctor yesterday to begin my ADHD treatment but she said I would have to see their psychiatrist for an analysis and they don't have an opening until April! She actually told me to put school off! I was like WTF? I've been putting it off too long. She said your 31 so you've lasted this long it doesn't seem like an emergency. I don't understand them. I mean a part of me thought that maybe she thought I was a drug seeker. ( A lot of people go around to different doctors to obtain pharmaceuticals to get high, by faking ailments.) She asked me why all of a sudden this was an issue for me. I explained that I just got the diagnoses and was thinking about it all and it made a lot of sense. Plus I haven't had health insurance for most of my adult life so I've never pursued the things that held me back. I talked to a therapist a long time ago about it but she was like it's just an anxiety problem (that was money well spent.) So that's what I've always thought . So there's not much I can do right now. Unfortunately that's the only place I can go with my insurance. I'm planning on switching to a better insurance as soon as they allow me which should be next month. I'll get it all figured out soon here. I just want to get the ADHD under control before I go back to school. Because I know that's what got me frustrated before when I had to quit after college after a year. It was mid semester and I started failing. I couldn't pay attention to lecture's, read the course material, or retain anything to help with the classes. I didn't understand it. My professors began to ask me what was wrong. I breezed through my first year with ease. I got all A's. I think this is why I went undiagnosed for most of my life. My mom always thought it was weird that I could get A's really easy. I sometimes can get them with out trying. (not to toot my own horn.) It's usually the courses that I already know or have a good understanding of. When it comes to the rest of them, I have the hardest time studying, listening to lectures, test, and well everything to do with it. No matter how hard I would try I couldn't retain anything from the class. When I would read a book, I would realize that I read through a few pages and I didn't know what I read. This became so bad that I didn't read books anymore. I think I went 10 years without reading a single book. Which was strange for me since I used to read book after book. I have changed that. Thanks to being in jail. In there you have nothing better to do. I struggled with the same issues but I can get through a book now. It's difficult for me, but as long as I can tune out everything around me I can actually get through it. I guess I've trained my brain a little bit. I do sometimes have to re-read pages though. I need absolute silence to read. I guess thinking about it as a kid I used to have to run a fan to tune out any noise while I read. Anyways that's a part of my struggle. I know I am making progress with everything, in fact I've gotten farther then I ever have, so I guess that's nothing to baulk at. It's that positive thinking that I forget about. I can't always gauge success the way society does, by dollars and cents. Through the drug problem I've been given the opportunity that not a lot of people get, I get to thoroughly get to know myself inside and out. And that's invaluable....

Josh

Still here

I guess it's been a few days since my last post. I was kind of stuck in a little funk, which tends to make me withdraw a bit. I get tired of this treatment stuff sometimes, I'm not gonna lie. I mean it's been over 2 years now that I've been dealing with sobriety. If it weren't for my stubborn ass, I could be well on my way to a some what "normal" life. I guess I just can get kind of sick of always sharing how I feel. I've done it for so long, so sometimes I just kind of get myself in shutdown mode and I just block myself off so I don't really feel anything. And if I take a few days off people start to worry about me. Thank you first of all. It does feel good to have people really care, I haven't had that for most of my life. Plus lately I'm having trouble motivating myself. I need to start treatment of my ADHD. I was watching a documentary about it the other night and it really put it into perspective for me. I guess a lot of people go undiagnosed and it can really put a hinder on your life. I am so glad I know now, I just got to get back to the Dr. and get the medication for it. I kind of always wondered what was wrong with me. All the things I thought I had trouble with are symptoms of ADHD. Trouble with relationships, lack of motivation, trouble concentrating, not finishing tasks, and many more. I never would have thought that I had it unless I made that Dr. appt. I would never have thought that some of those were symptoms. I looked at all the symptoms and I have trouble with all of them. It basically described me to a tea, creepy. Hopefully now that I've been diagnosed and begin treatment, I can finally deal with some of these issues. I am still not very sure if it started when I was younger or as I got older. I've been dealing with the knee pain again lately too. It feels like my body is much older then I am sometimes. If it's not one thing its another, right? That's life though always keeping you on your toes. Just when you think you have things figured out, boom there's a curve ball flying straight at you. That's why it's very important to take a daily inventory of your self (something that I have forgotten to do lately...but don't blame me it's the ADD...Ha I should make a T shirt of that one.) So thats what I've been up too. Finally got a good blizzard going on outside. We haven't had snow like that in a long time. It's exciting a little to see all that snow. It reminds me of when I was a kid and I would build snow forts out of the big mounds the plows would leave behind. Sometimes I miss being young and naive with my whole life in front of me. It seemed like when I was young I couldn't wait to get older and now that I am older I wish I was young again. If only I could be young again but know what I know now....I'll leave with that wishful thinking.

Josh

Mind set

I guess today I am struggling a bit. The thought of me not making it keeps coming in my head. It's a battle and it's me vs. me. It's kind of strange having oneself be an enemy of thine self. It's not like I'm on the verge of using or anything, I guess its part of the fear I experience. I am very afraid of failure. Relapsing in itself is bad, but then you have to deal with all the feelings that come with it. Every time I have relapsed it's that much harder to get out of it. I start feeling ashamed and hypocritical. It's funny that way, I'm not really all that concerned with my own well being when I am out using. I am more worried about letting everyone down again. It sucks being in that position. It's so easy to lose people's trust and faith in you, but so much harder to get it back. I was going through that the last time I went to treatment, I was winning back every one's trust and they had a lot of faith in me to make it. But now since my last relapse its been different. I feel that some people are expecting me to fail. (I know fuck them, right?). The odds are stacked up against me, I think it's 8% of I.V. drug users end up recovering. I know I can be part of that 8%, its just these kind of days were I start doubting myself. It's definitely one hell of a roller coaster ride. I have been learning a lot about myself and been figuring out what I need to change. I'm sure it gets easier the more sober time I get under my belt. I think it's just retraining my brain on how to react to everything and I am not used to dealing with emotions. I know once I get a job and get back on my feet things will be better. I do have to figure out what my relapse triggers are. I know some of them but the problem with the other ones is they are underlying and I usually don't figure it out until after it happens. Don't be too worried about me I am just talking about this because I need to be honest about how I feel. Honesty is one thing that I really need to work on. I've been so good at lying the last few years I could just about convince myself that what ever I was lying about was true. I do need to find another sponsor since the one I had disappeared after I left the Salvation Army. I still can't believe that place and some of their rules. I dunno enough said about that. My knees are starting to really bother me and I will have to go in and see if I need surgery. Part of it is I am afraid cause I know they will prescribe me pain killers when I do get it done and I don't really want to be sucked down that hole again. My doctor said that he would monitor me during that time so I shouldn't have much to worry about. Anyways, I hope that none of you decide to take drugs to the level that I did. It's not worth it.

Josh

The road ahead

Well it's finally time for me to start finding a job. I am pretty sure I can trust myself with money finally. The important thing is to remember how much it sucked spending my whole paycheck on drugs. Definitely something I do not want to return to doing. I used to go pick up my paycheck cash it, and then find my dealer where I would spend the whole thing right then and there. I wouldn't care about my bills, gas (necessities), or rent. I mean I smoke and I would skip buying myself cigarettes. Then I would have to fly by blind luck on how I was gonna make it through the week. I've done that so many times. It's just another consequence to caving in to my addiction. I've spent the last two years of my life living that way. It's amazing that I made it as far as I did. Sometimes I would pawn my stuff then on pay day go get my stuff back from the pawn shop. Just to pawn it again the next day. Then eventually I would skip going to the pawn shop and I've lost a lot of cool stuff. All part of that insanity. I would have to do it just get through the week. Once you get yourself caught in so deep you need the drugs its hard to get out. But its finally time to get back to working cause there are so many things I need to get myself plus, a few monetary amends I have to do. It'll be a while before I can catch up but I'll get through it. So if anyone knows of anyone hiring please let me know. I'll need to change up my schedule of staying up late at night but that won't be to tough. For some reason I'm having a hard time of getting myself to sleep lately. Usually it wouldn't bother me much but now that it's winter, if I sleep too late I won't get the few hours of sun that we get. And we all know that can get depressing. I'm still wondering if I should talk to my mother about my previous posts. I just don't know if I'll gain anything from it or not. It's definitely something that I want to get out of my way and move on. Well I am gonna get back to relaxing. Hope you all had a good week end.

Josh

Maturing

This blog has become pretty therapeutic for me. It was really hard for me to write my last couple of entries. It was a lot of shit that I kept buried deep inside and over the years I kept piling shit on top of it. After writing it I realized how much of it I haven't thought of in years. Now that I've started peeling of layers of things and dealing with them I am getting down to the issues that have been hard wired in my psyche. It was so tucked away in me that my conscience forgot about it but it was still present in my subconsciousness, so it was still affecting me today. I've really started to deeply analyze my thoughts and emotions lately. I started to think why I hated dealing with the uglier emotions (anger, sadness, resentment etc....) It's because I've seen it growing up and could never understand why my mother was so unhappy and depressed. I defiantly believe now that some things aren't all necessarily genetic but also the environment that you grew up in, the time when your mind is at its peak capacity for learning, and where you develop your psychological "wiring". I think its what, between the ages of 2-8 or something around there. That's why I think its important if you are raising kids to nurture them in a calm and stable environment during these years because of how impressionable their young minds are. Their brains are basically an empty mold and they gain their information through their subconscious. Kids take a lot more in then you would think. I mean I can remember being depressed when I was a younger kid. I'm talking about when I was like 8 years old. I also remember having pretty big temper tantrums when my mom would flip out on me and over discipline me. What does an 8 year old kid have to be depressed about? Plus having your mother being angry and disappointed at you a lot, well you can imagine what it did to my self esteem. I am not blaming my mother for this. I know she didn't do it on purpose. She did the best she could with what she had. I've only heard snippets about her childhood and know it wasn't great either. I think she realizes this now, and this is why I am not really bitter at her anymore. Before I understood it, I hated my mom and put a lot of blame on her. When I was a kid I would step on every crack and hope it would break my mothers back. (geese evil wasn't I?) I was so bitter over my childhood for so long. But that was the anger I had developed from early on. That was the environment I was in and didn't know any better. But now that I've taken an in-depth look at it I realize I wasted a lot of time being bitter and resentful. I was only blocking myself from progressing and becoming a better person. That's where I fucked up. It took me this long to figure that out. I've ruined relationships as well as friendships, the whole time blaming everyone else. I now see where I've fucked up and finally realize that I haven't dealt with things the right way. I guess that means I am maturing? I'm finally seeing the light. I never would have thought that my childhood effected me that much. Like I said, I buried it down deep instead of facing it. I'm glad I've talked it out with my mom. She has and still does continue to apologize. I haven't gone in to detail about the things that have effected me and am kind of conflicted if I should. I don't want to make her feel any worse, but I do want to make sure I deal with it completely. I still have my bad days where I get angry and wish I would've had a "normal" family. But if that would have been the case I probably would have other issues to deal with. Gotta stay away from the would've, could've, should've. That's why they say 1 day at a time. And today I was sober (again)

Josh

the story continues again

So anyways my dad ended up staying in the hospital for nearly a year. During this time my mom was extremely miserable and it seemed as if she wanted everyone else to be miserable too. I wasn't allowed outside the house or anything while she was a way at the hospital. I remember one time I was outside shooting hoops in the driveway with my two younger brothers and she came home and was furious. She screamed at me all the way into the house. While I understand she was going through a lot but we all were. This is when I think started my depression. I am in a new town but I'm not allowed to hang out with anyone. I never really felt like I fit in, in Amery. I think it was partially because of my Mom's control. It was so depressing being around that house with everything going on. You don't know how badly I wanted to run a way from there. I started packing my things one day, keep in mind I am 13 I think, my mom was yet again screaming at me for basically being a kid. I was gonna go to one of my older brothers and live there. She threatened to send me to a farm where they would make me work night and day. I felt stuck. Then one day I came home from school and I had to go to the bathroom really badly but the doors were locked and my mom wasn't home. I remember being so pissed by the time she got home, I think I waited an hour or so. My moms friend was there also which I thought was kind of odd, but all I could think about was going to the bathroom. I remember kind of yelling at my mom and she was strangely quite. I heard her friend tell her to give me a minute. I went in the house and went to the bathroom, when I came out they were in the kitchen. Right then I knew what she was gonna tell me. My father had died. I was just in shock. I remember just being numb. I didn't know what to think. It's news that I hope no 13 year old boy would never have to hear. About a year later I had found out that my dad just didn't die, my mom had the plug pulled. The doctor's wanted a family meeting first but some pastor thought it would be better for us to not see it. This bothered me for years. All of us kids resented her for this. I know I would've liked to say good bye and tell him I loved him one more time. I finally got the courage to confront my mom about this a few years ago. She apologized and said she was under a lot of stress. I can understand that but it still was pretty selfish. I am getting mixed emotions right now as I write this. It's hard for me sometimes. I know she is my mom and all. I know she did as good of a job raising me as she could have, but I dunno. I haven't talked about a lot of stuff that happened. I keep it buried down deep. My mother has apologized to me for the way she handled everything. Don't get me wrong I don't hate her, I wasn't molested or anything. There was emotional abuse and she hit me a couple of times that I thought went beyond discipline. Sometimes I wish I could just forget about that whole period of my life. Just thinking about it now opens up some old wounds. She had gotten remarried a year after my fathers death. I clashed heads badly with this guy. He had a big anger problem and my mom only made it worse. He never hit me or anything, but my mom made it seem like it a few times. I remember me and my younger brother threatening him that if he ever hurt my mom......All this made the already tough time of puberty even tougher. I hate high school. But it was mostly because of what happened at home not really high school itself. It made me really introverted and anti-social. Which isn't me at all. I ended up moving out of the house before I graduated. It just got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and I had to leave. My friends mom let me move into their basement so I could graduate from Amery. The crazy thing is I never partied during high school. My mom always thought that I was up to no good, but I was actually a pretty decent kid. I started to party after leaving high school. I soon discovered alcohol made me forget about everything and it numbed me to the point where I could feel somewhat normal. I drank for a few years and slowly started experimenting with drugs. I think I've gone over that before in this blog. I just didn't think I had a problem till I started using oxy's and then eventually heroin. I have talked my my mother a few times about things. I guess there's more that I probably should talk to her about and just bury the hatchet. I know she is sorry and she's changed a lot the last few years. I do have some what of a relationship with her now. I guess I hadn't thought much about all this till now when I was writing it out. There is a bunch of things that I have buried deep inside that I need to deal with still. That whole story that I told you is called your first step. Its where you talk about what led up to your chemical abuse so you know what to deal with. After all that you add in some girlfriends that cheated on me and boom there you have it my first step. Once again I am not blaming anyone for my addictions, nor do I want anyone to feel sorry for me. Where I made my mistakes was not dealing with all this in a healthy way. I just wanted it to go a way. I know I had a fucked up childhood and all but I could have done things a better way. Now that I think about it, it's strange how your subconsciousness works. It's not like I sit around thinking about this stuff (I mean really not at all) but I can see where it affects my behaviors. The character defect I am working on lately is my anger. It's hard to get me angry but once I get there I am there. It's from when I was a kid I would keep it in and hope it would go away and then I would explode one day when it got to be too much. I think it's because I am afraid to be angry. After dealing with my mothers growing up I could see how ugly it would get with her and I can see that some how that's how I learned to do that. I now see how impressionable kids can be. I am so glad I don't have any right now. I wouldn't want to bring them up with that and have to go through what I've gone through. I guess this addiction thing has really woken me up and its made me analyze every flaw I have. It's kind of a blessing in disguise I would maybe never have seen these defects in myself had I not had to because of my treatment. So now its up to me to work on myself and become a better me. Alright I am feeling pretty drained writing all this.

Until tomorrow,

Josh